


Jamilton: The Musical (Original Broadway Cast)

by breakatake



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alex is an aesthetic boy, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Dysphoria, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heathers References, I feel so bad, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, John is protective, M/M, Slow Burn, Theater - Freeform, Thomas is basically a biker with curly hair like he rides a motorcycle and wears leather jackets, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans Male Character, a lot of them bc they’re doing heathers LMAOOO, aaron and angelica are the directors, alex is in choir, alex is the epitome of a ravenclaw just saying, be more chill references, he’s a tenor, internalized and interpersonal homophobia, internalized and interpersonal transphobia, john is the captain of the volleyball team, lafayette is also in choir, lafayette uses they/them pronouns, like he dresses hella artsy and he draws, literally the epitome of a hufflepuff, musical theater, non-binary Lafayette, poor thomas man, poor thomas man ):, school choir jokes, somebody get him into a safe home ???, the schuyler sisters are also in choir, theater kids thomas and alex, this was originally gonna be a happy story now it’s a sad one, thomas is really soft and sweet, tw for abuse, tw for child abuse, tw for homophobia, tw for transphobia, volleyball player thomas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:03:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17400542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakatake/pseuds/breakatake
Summary: Alexander and Thomas both try out for the school musical, Heathers, but it’s not a girl who plays Veronica...It’s Alexander.He hates Thomas from the moment he meets him, but is intrigued to know about what this motorcycle riding badboy is all about.





	1. It Could Be Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Laf, and Herc convince Alex to try out for the school musical, Heathers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is this also there’s a few ocs in this story because i needed extra characters for john’s volleyball team

Alexander rubbed his eyes as he tiredly stumbled out of his trigonometry classroom. The bell had just rung to signify the end of period 2 and he was going to meet up with John and just sit in the music hallway and talk for awhile because they both had a free period. He took his time, mostly because he knew John wasn’t going to be there for awhile since he was most likely walking Hercules and Lafayette to class before he saw Alexander. So, he wandered for a bit. Alexander eventually made his way to the music hall, sitting down against the wall and putting his stuff down. He plugged in his earbuds and rested his head against the wall as he waited for John to arrive.

A few minutes into listening to the third song on the Be More Chill soundtrack, John plopped himself down next to Alexander and he cracked open an eye to look at him. Alexander smiled and turned the music off, leaning his head on his best friend’s shoulder. “Hi, John.” he said softly and John smiled and wrapped an arm around him gently.

”Are you coming to my game tonight?” John questioned and Alexander pulled away and he grinned at him, nodding wildly. 

“You know I never miss your games!” he squealed and John rolled his eyes with a smile. “And anyway, there’s that guy with a nice butt on the team-“

”Thomas?”

Alexander paused for a second and furrowed his eyebrows. Thomas? Really?

”That’s his name?” Alexander furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head at John. “You never told me.” he cocked an eyebrow and then relaxed. “Well, whatever, he’s cute.” Alexander crossed his arms and John rolled his eyes and shoved him gently, careful not to knock him over because he was so small. “He kind of seems like an ass, though.” Alexander stated and looked up at John who snorted at him.

”Thomas is literally the epitome of a Hufflepuff” John laughed. “You know, when you get to know him. He’s kind of a dick at first.” he stated and pulled his phone out, pulling up his volleyball team’s group chat. 

**Volleyboisssss**

**John: i swear to fuck thomas if u don’t try out i’ll kill u**

**Thomas: i’m scared what if they don’t like me**

**Thomas: people are gonna taunt me and call me gay**

**James: you are gay dumbass**

**George: LMAOOOO G A Y**

**Thomas: you’re a bully george**

**John: George don’t make fun of him**

**Keith: Thomas just try out for the fucking play nobody’s gonna call you gay**

**Thomas: but i can’t sing**

**James: “i cant sing” he says while belting an ariana grande song at the top of his lungs perfectly. ok. ok thomas.**

**Thomas: ):**

**James: you’re a fucking baby**

**Thomas: IM NOT A BABY**

**John: you are a baby**

**Thomas: you know what suck a dick**

**James: i already do**

**George: oh**

**Keith: james is somehow gayer than thomas**

**Thomas: i hate: all of you**

**Thomas: you are all: bullies**

**Thomas: except John he’s a cutie i love u**

**John: <3**

Alexander chuckled and shook his head, smiling at how soft and sweet Thomas’ personality seemed despite his harsh exterior. 

“You should try out too, Alex.” John teased and Alexander scoffed at him.

”You wish.”

”No, really!” John squealed. “Try out, do it! You’ll probably make the lead, too.” John chuckled and Alexander groaned and rested his head against the wall.

”I can’t si-“

John put his hand over his mouth and his jaw dropped. “You can’t  _sing?!_ Oh, okay, mister  _tenor section leader.”_ John scoffed. “Your voice is beautiful, and you’re amazing!” John squealed and he flailed his arms around. “You’ve had solos in almost every school concert, everybody  _fucking loves you,_ Alex!” John turned to face his best friend and he put his hands on his shoulders. “You need to be confident.”

Alexander stared at him with his eyebrow raised. “I’m not doing it.” 

John threw his hands up in defeat and groaned.

* * *

“Alexander,  _do it.”_ Lafayette said as he sat between Alexander and Hercules on the bleachers. Alexander rolled his eyes and looked over at Hercules.

”Herc-“

”I agree with him.” Hercules cut him off and shrugged. Alexander gave him a look and Hercules sighed. “What?! You’re talented and you would be so amazing in the musical!” he stated and Lafayette agreed, slapping Alexander’s arm excitedly. Alexander whined at them and shoved their arm away.

”Laf, you’re muscular, that hurt like a bitch.” Alexander mumbled and scoffed. Lafayette giggled and rested their chin on Alexander’s shoulder. 

Lafayette kissed Alexander’s cheek and clung onto his arm. “You love me, mon petit.” they grinned and Alexander chuckled at them, wrapping an arm around Lafayette’s shoulder. 

He thought for a second, really debating on trying out. He had seen in the text messages between John’s team that that cute Thomas boy was going to be audition. Honestly, that was why Alexander agreed.

”Yes, fine, I’ll audition.” He sighed and Lafayette clapped. 

“Hell yes!” They punched the air and Hercules smiled at Alexander.

* * *

About a week later, Alexander was at the auditions, squirming in his seat because he was so nervous. The cute boy, Thomas, was right next to him, cool as a cucumber. He had his legs quite a ways apart and he was on his phone, tapping his hand against his leg. Every time he moved his hand, the buttons on his leather jacket would shake. Alexander had a hard time looking away because  _wow_ he was hot. 

Alexander bit his lip, debating on talking to him or not. He kept glancing over at him and Thomas caught his stare eventually, smirking and locking his phone. 

“Staring isn’t polite, you know.” 

Alexander’s cheeks flushed red and he looked away, trying to think of a response. 

“I-um,” he hesitated and he scratched the back of his head. “I like y-your boots.” he blurted out and mentally face palmed. “A-and I saw you play last week, you’re really good.” he mentioned and he looked down, face flushed with embarrassment. 

Thomas chuckled and sat up straight, Alexander sort of curled up into a ball, pulling both of his legs up on the chair. “Thanks, darlin’, your friend John is a great captain.” Thomas stated with a smile. “I’m Thomas.”

Alexander looked at the outstretched hand and he reached to shake it, taking note or how warm the hand was compared to his own. His hands were cold, sweaty. He was embarrassed, in all honesty. “Alexander.”

”Cute name.” Thomas said with a wink, before hearing his name being called and he got up, smirking at Alexander as he walked up on the stage to audition.

Alexander stared at him with his jaw slightly dropped and his cheeks flushed.  _Who the hell was this kid?_


	2. Callback Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander goes to the callbacks and sees Thomas there.  
> Thomas argues with his dad afterwards.  
> *TW FOR HOMPHOBIA*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *********TRIGGER WARNING FOR HOMOPHOBIA IN THIS CHAPTER *********  
> thomas ends up being kind of an ass at the start of this chapter but you’ll get some of his home life in this chapter and i felt really bad coming up with this and writing this in but ): in all of my stories alex has more of a backstory than thomas so i’m giving thomas a really sad backstory and he needs a hug okay somebody give thomas a hug and a safe home ):

Alexander was shocked, to say the least.

After the callbacks, he was telling John, Lafayette, and Hercules how he thought he wasn’t going to get a callback and how he did horribly at the audition.

He was wrong.

Alexander was sitting in his ap world history class when somebody popped into the classroom and handed his teacher a paper that said his name on it. The paper was passed back and he furrowed his eyebrows and slowly looked at the paper. His eyes widened when he saw that it was a callback sheet, along with a song to learn. The song he had to learn was  _Dead Girl Walking,_ and he was  _pumped._

Alexander already knew the song, since all he listened to were the musicals  _Miranda_ and  _Heathers._ However, he was confused about why they had him singing Veronica’s song instead of maybe JD’s song. He knew that if they gave you a song to sing, it meant they were considering you for a part. So, why did they give him a female part. Did he.. look?  _No, no no._ Alexander tried not to let that get to him as he learned the song in the key that Veronica sang it, it wasn’t too hard for him since his voice was quite high pitched since he only started on testosterone about two months ago. 

Alexander could hardly wait for the callbacks. He was bouncing in his seat in class all day long, John couldn’t get him to stop giggling during lunch even though he was supposed to be on vocal rest. He was just  _so excited,_ even for someone who didn’t want to try out in the first place. 

By the time of the callback audition, he was talking again so that he could warm up. He was with a few of his choir friends, and the directors of the musical, Aaron and Angelica. Aaron has his arm slung around Alexander as they sat on the edge of the stage, their legs dangling off while they talked to their friends. 

“They’re considering you for Veronica.” Aaron stated and Alexander tensed up. Aaron knew this was a sensitive topic, Alexander wasn’t sure why he brought it up. “I told them that they shouldn’t cast you as her, but they insisted because none of the girls who tried out were as good as you and they genuinely didn’t want to cast anybody else as her.” Aaron explained and Alexander groaned and tilted his head back. Angelica put her hand on his leg and gave him a side smile. 

“It’s okay-“

”They’re considering you for the role of Veronica?” Alexander heard a deep voice coming from behind him and he turned around, seeing Thomas standing there. Alexander’s cheeks turned pink and he nodded quickly, then turned away. Thomas scoffed and Alexander furrowed his eyebrows.

”Aren’t you a boy?” Thomas questioned and sat down next to him. Alexander tensed up and he felt Aaron grip his arm a bit, trying to keep him from freaking out at Thomas.

Alexander nodded and he looked down. “Yes, I’m a boy.” he grumbled and he clasped his hands together. “Apparently, none of the girls could sing her song properly, so.” Alexander explained and Thomas smirked at him. Alexander felt uncomfortable, and also self conscious because Thomas apparently saw him as a girl, from what he could assume.

”They're considering me for JD,” Thomas paused and stood up. “I guess we’ll be paired together. I guess we’ll be paired together, sweetheart.” Thomas winked and hopped off of the stage. Alexander stared at him, feeling annoyed and flustered. He couldn’t tell why, but he felt like he was going to dislike working with Thomas. He didn’t like him because he sounded like a cocky bastard, he couldn’t understand why John liked him and how he could possibly be a sweet person.

”He seems like a dick.” Angelica mumbled under her breath, watching the boy in the leather jacket and black converse walk off. Alexander let out a “mhm..” and then hopped off the stage.

”I’m going to go fill out my callback sheet, I’ll catch up in a bit.” he kissed Angelica on the cheek and smiled at Eliza and Peggy, who had also tried out and were going to be singing songs for two of the Heathers. Alexander already knew they would cast Peggy as Heather Chandler, he had sung candy store with her one too many times and she did it  _perfectly._

Alexander sat next to the two sisters, all three of them filling their callback sheets out. Alexander felt a tap on his shoulder and he looked up, seeing a curly head of hair. He felt a pang of irritation and he internally rolled his eyes. “What do you want?” he questioned in a tone that he could only describe as irritated and tired of Thomas, even though he just met him.

”Let’s go practice, they want me paired with you.” Thomas smiled sweetly, almost too sweetly. Alexander sighed and nodded.

”I’ll see you later, my loves.” Alexander smiled at the girls and they both waved at him as he walked with Thomas to give in their sheets and grab their script sheets. They headed to the back of the auditorium and he sat next to Thomas, crossing his legs and holding the paper. “Alright, are you ready? I’ve watched Heathers a million times, so if you don’t do this right, I’ll be disappointed.” Alexander stated and Thomas laughed and rolled his eyes.

”I’ve seen Heathers a million times too, darling’, you’re not special.” He said in a mocking voice and Alexander rolled his eyes, restraining from punching him in the mouth. 

They went through the scene with almost no issues, just Alexander speaking too fast, as he always did.

”Excuse me,” Alexander read off of the paper with a raised eyebrow. “I didn’t catch your name.” he scoffed and crossed his arms, trying to channel his inner Veronica.

”I didn’t throw it.” Thomas clicked his tongue with a smirk, then ran it across his bottom lip and Alexander felt his face heat up as he tried his best not to stare at his stupid plump lips.

Alexander and Thomas auditioned not too long after that, and it went smoothly, as did the dancing and singing. Alexander was grabbing his things, ready to head outside before he felt a tap on his shoulder. “You did great, darlin’.” Thomas said in a mocking way when Alexander turned around and Alexander gave him a sarcastic smile to match his sarcastic tone. 

“Thanks, Jefferson.” Alexander spun around on his heel and headed out of the auditorium. 

* * *

Thomas gathered his things, checking his phone from a text from his dad because he asked him to get him from the school. He didn’t want to go with his dad, but his mom would be working late that day and his older brother had work as well, so he had to ask his dad. For the past week, he had been dealing with his father calling him a faggot for trying out for the musical and saying “it was gay” when in fact, Thomas didn’t care because 

a) he loved singing

b) he was gay anyways, who cares?

Apparently, his dad cared.

Thomas got a text from his father saying that he was outside and he slowly walked outside of the school after saying goodbye to a few of his friends who were practicing in the hallway for the step team and track. He made his way to the car and opened the front door, sitting down and immediately plugging his earbuds in to avoid conversation.

“How was it?” His father, Peter, questioned, not sounding particularly interested. Thomas just nodded and said “fine.” with no other response, his good mood immediately left as soon as he saw his father. 

Peter nodded and tapped his fingers on the wheel. “I don’t know why you’re doing this when you have the strength to be doing wrestling, or football, or something manly.” Thomas cringed at the word ‘manly’ because that word meant nothing. Anything was manly as long as you were a man, which is what Thomas was. He was in the musical, but he was still a man. “The musical? Really, Thomas?” Peter questioned, not taking his eyes off of the road. “This little  _phase_ you’re going through must stop. You have to be a man, be like your brother!” he stated, his voice slightly loud. Thomas felt himself growing angrier with every word his father said. “Find a nice woman to date!” Peter suggested and Thomas clenched his fists, feeling a pang of irritation in his chest. “Carry out the family name, find a beautiful woman and marry her and have children and-“

”Father, I can carry out the family name without marrying a woman.” Thomas snapped. “I like  _men. Boys._ I want a  _boyfriend._ Not a girlfriend.” Thomas turned towards his father. “What the hell don’t you understand?!” his voice got higher and louder. “I came out in middle school dad, I knew I was gay since I was 5!” He yelled and he felt tears flooding his eyes from anger. He didn’t want to cry, he couldn’t cry. Crying wouldn’t do him any good at the current moment, he just had a hard time arguing with people without crying. “I’m gay, dad.” he said softly. “Why are you so against it?” he questioned genuinely, furrowing his eyebrows and trying to stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. 

Thomas didn’t get a response, all he got was a slap across the cheek as soon as they pulled into the driveway and he hissed, bringing his palm to his cheek and screwing his eyes shut, letting the tears fall onto his stinging cheek. Thomas didn’t say anything to his father as he got out of the car and walked up to the front door, unlocking it. He didn’t say hi to his little sister, he didn’t greet his dog, he just ran into his bedroom and he slammed the door, texting his volleyball group chat.

**To Volleyboisssss:**

**Thomas: fought with my dad again**

**John: i’m calling you.**

Within the next 30 seconds, John called Thomas on FaceTime and Thomas picked it up, immediately breaking down into tears, sobbing softly and squeezing his eyes shut. He felt his hands shaking and his heart racing, he couldn’t stop.

”Thomas, honey,” John sighed and he frowned. “Breathe, please -“ he stopped talking when he noticed Thomas wasn’t going to stop crying and he just sighed. John hated seeing Thomas like this, it broke his heart. “Okay, let it out, then we can talk.” 

Thomas didn’t respond, just kept sniffling. He started to cough every now and then, feeling his heart wrench. Why did his father hate him so much? He felt like a disappointment all because he liked the same gender, and things shouldn’t be that way. His mom didn’t hate him, his siblings didn’t hate him, neither did his grandparents. Why was his dad so against it? Why did it disgust him? His own son disgusted him just because he was gay.

”He hit me because I was arguing with him about me being gay.” Thomas got out through hiccups and sniffles. He felt his cheek stinging, it hadn’t stopped since he left the car. “I-I told him that I knew I was gay since I was younger a-and he hit me and didn’t say anything back.” he felt his voice growing high pitched at the signal of tears. “He called it a phase.” he whimpered quietly and he hugged himself and John let out a soft “oh..” with a frown. 

“Thomas, you know who you are, and that’s all that matters.” John stated with a grin. “I know how you feel, my dad hates me too because I’m gay.” He gave him a sympathetic smile. “All you need to remember is that your friends love you regardless of who you are and you are  _amazing._ “ John said in a soft and sweet tone. “Your mom loves you and so do your siblings and your grandparents.”

”B-but..” he interjected. “He hits me because I like.. men..” he whispered and looked down. “Do I deserve it?” he questioned and looked up at John and John quickly shook his head and said “no no no” over and over again. Thomas just began to cry again.

_Didn't he deserve it, though? It was disgusting, according to his dad. He was disgusting and a disgrace to the family and nobody would ever love him because of this disgusting ‘phase’._

”I deserve it, don’t I?” Thomas whimpered and he hugged himself, feeling anxiety rush into his system and he clenched his eyes shut and moved one hand to tug at his curls. “Whatever he does.. whenever he does it.. he tells me I deserve it and I’m a disgrace..” he cried, feeling his body shake and his throat start to feel tight because he was having trouble breathing. 

John shook his head wildly and he looked around. “I’m coming to pick you up.” he said softly. “Can you ask your mom if you can sleep over tonight for me, Thomas?” he questioned and Thomas looked at him blankly. “Do you want me to do it?” he asked and Thomas gave him a slight nod. John sighed and responded “Okay, I’m going to hang up so that I can call her. Is that okay? I’ll call you back when I’m coming.” John spoke gently, trying not to make Thomas panic more.

”Okay.”

John hung up.

* * *

Within the next 10 minutes, John drove to Thomas’ house and he was inside of Thomas’ room, helping him pack a bag for the night. Since it was Friday, it would be easier for them to talk about this when they got to John’s place. Thomas had calmed down from his anxiety attack by the time John got there, but John knew Thomas wouldn’t enjoy being home for any longer that night. Thomas fought with his father quite often about being gay. His father had attempted to hit him a few time, raised his voice, called him names. Thomas was used to it, but John hated it.

John and Thomas were close, just as close as James and Thomas. Thomas told John everything that he told James and they spent just about the same amount of time together because James was on the volleyball team as well. It broke John’s heart to see Thomas so affected and hurt. Thomas usually tries not to react to things, but John knew how soft he really was. His little “bad boy” exterior meant nothing, he was a hurt boy who needed a hug on the inside.

John assisted Thomas in bringing his bag to the car after he said bye to his siblings and to his mom. John got into the driver’s seat and Thomas went into the passenger side. He stayed silent, huddling himself against the car door as John drove off. 

“You don’t deserve it.” John said, breaking the silence. He didn’t look at Thomas, didn’t follow up with anything.

”I do.

John clenched the steering wheel. “You’re being manipulated into thinking so, just because you’re gay does not mean you’re a disappointment-“

”But it _does,_ John.” Thomas mumbled, rubbing his eyes underneath his glasses which he had put on after taking his contacts out while John was helping him pack his bag. “He hates me because I’m disgusting and unnatural and I like boys, which I should not.” he stated with no emotion whatsoever. He said it as if he was stating facts, said it as if he believed it, because he  _did_ and John could see that. 

Thomas let another tear fall down his cheek and John had to restrain from letting himself cry, he felt the need to be strong for Thomas since he wasn’t strong himself.

Thomas hugged himself and stared out of the window, not wanting to speak anymore. John understood, he knew Thomas got like this sometimes. He didn’t talk, he let his friend stay silent for a bit and calm himself. John pulled into the parking lot of a pizza hut, he recalled Thomas saying that whenever he was sad or whenever something bad happened, his mom would always take him out for pizza so they could talk it out over a pie. John looked over at Thomas with a half smile and Thomas looked over at him, wondering how he managed to land a friend as amazing as John.

Thomas barely managed a smile, but he did his best and that’s all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomas no ): i’m so sorry // John is a great friend


	3. You’re Playing Who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s nothing like a cast list in the hallway.. someone who tried hard made it into the main cast.. and Alexander’s Veronica? I’ll let him tell it.  
> *alex’s thoughts in bold italics*  
> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y’all liked that lil lyric change in the summary i tried  
> i’m so fuckibg tiref fuck finals man omg  
> *TW FOR INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA*

“Alex!” Eliza yelled, running into the choir room and starling their teacher while simultaneously catching everyone’s attention. Alexander furrowed his eyebrows at her, quiet Eliza? Yelling? 

Something must’ve happened.

” _The cast list is out!”_

Alexander screamed and grabbed the pass, running out of the room, not even bothering to ask if he could leave the room. He ran up to the second floor, ran towards the english department room. He scanned the list, trying to find his name.

”A Ham.. A Ham..” he whispered, dragging his finger down the sheet on the wall and squinting his eyes. He shoved his glasses up and his face lit up as soon as he found his name.

”Alexander Hamilton as...  _Veronica Sawyer?”_ He questioned, feeling a pang of something that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. He clenched his fist. 

He was happy, of course he was. But, a female role? Why was he playing a  _girl?_ Did he look like a girl? Did he sound like one? He could’ve sworn that the testosterone shots worked and his voice was deeper. He felt tears in his eyes and he shut them tightly, feeling nauseous. He suddenly felt anxiety build up in his chest. 

_What would everyone say? They would ask why he’s playing a girl. Shit, Thomas might make fun of him. He was a girl._

**_You’re no boy. You’re not a boy. You’re a girl. Who do you think you’re kidding? You’re a girl._ **

**_youreagirl. youreagirl. youreagirl._ **

Alexander thought he was overreacting, however his dysphoria was getting to him and he didn’t know what else to do but panic. In the midst of all of this, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind him.

”You’re playing a girl?” He heard Thomas’ voice and he turned around, trying to mask his anxiety with anger. “See, I knew you reminded me of a girl. You’re way too small to be a boy, anyways. Little girl, you’re-“

”Just  _shut up!”_ Alexander snapped and shoved him out of the way, running downstairs to the choir room. 

**_You should feel honored that you have the lead. Crying because you got a female role? You shouldn’t be crying. Stop being such a girl._ **

”I’m not a girl.” he whispered to himself before walking into the choir room. He put the pass down and tapped his teacher’s shoulder. “I c-can’t stay in class today. I-“

His teacher turned towards him and her face fell, she reached forward and gave him a quick hug. “Go to guidance, or to the social worker’s office, or you can go into my office and call your mom-“

”Wanna call my mom.” he whispered, trying not to let the tears fall. He felt choked up, his chest was tight and his stomach hurt. His teacher nodded and let him go into the office. Alexander sat down on the ground after he locked the door and he took in slow and deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

”You’re not a girl, you’re not a girl, your name is Alexander Hamilton, and you are a boy.” 

Alexander’s dysphoria has always been bad, even after he started testosterone. He hated his body, hated how he looked, hated the dip in his waist. Every time somebody even  _mentioned_ how feminine he was, it made him so anxious and he would seriously panic from it. He hated himself, he really did. He hated how he couldn’t just be thankful with what he had, he hated that he was born in the wrong body. He was a boy, but something in him kept telling him that he could never be a real boy. 

”Alex?” There was a knock at the door. Alexander could register the voice as Angelica’s. He unlocked the door and she slid inside, then shut and locked the door. He didn’t even notice he was crying until she wiped the tears from his face. 

Angelica wrapped an arm around his shoulder and he leaned his head into her chest. “Can you breathe?” she questioned, hearing his struggle. He was wheezing, tears were still falling and he was struggling to catch his breath. He shook his head and she stroked his long hair gently. “Take off your binder when you’re home-“ 

He cut her off by saying “No, no, no! I-it reminds me-“

”But Alex, breathing is important.” She gave him a stern look and he decided not to argue with her, felt too anxious and could barely breathe. “I told them not to cast you, I asked them to cast you as Jason, and they said they wanted you as Veronica..” she explained. “Aaron and I fought with Mrs. Reynolds for twenty minutes to no avail.” she explained and he just stared off, zoning out and not really listening.

”C’n you c-call mom for me?” he mumbled out, his words not coming out properly because he was still hiccuping. 

Angelica reached into her pocket and pulled her phone out. She clicked on Martha Washington’s contact and waited for her to pick up.

”Angie, honey? What’s wrong, I have an important meeting right now and-“

”Alex is having an anxiety attack and I don’t think he can stay in school he needs to get his binder off ASAP and he can’t breathe, he’s shaking really hard.”

Martha paused for a second and Angelica held her breath.

”I’ll be right there.” 

Angelica let out a sharp breath and she hung up, wrapping her arm around Alexander’s shoulders. “I’m right here, Alexander.” She said soothingly. “You’re my favorite  _boy_ in the universe, okay?” she whispered and hugged him tight and he just held onto Angelica tightly, quite like she was the last thing keeping him sane.

* * *

”Where did my baby go?” Lafayette questioned, putting their bag down on the lunch table and sitting next to Hercules. He looked at John, who seemed equally as confused. Lafayette wasn’t in choir, they had to do something important, so they were confused. 

Peggy sighed, trying to think of a way to tell Lafayette this without making them freak out and leave right away to aid to his friend. When she told John, he literally  _did_ leave school to check on Alexander.

He really had caring friends. 

“He got casted as Veronica, started having anxiety over it, Thomas taunted him about it-“

”Thomas?  _Jefferson?!”_ Lafayette’s voice got high pitched and they cracked their knuckles. Lafayette got up before Eliza could protest and tell them not to and they stomped right up to Thomas and tugged on his curl.

Thomas turned around sharply and he looked up, his straight face turning into a grin.

”Laf, hey buddy.” He grinned and Lafayette scowled at him, making Thomas furrow his eyebrows in confusion. “What?”

”You made my Alexander cry.” 

Thomas looked at Lafayette with a baffled look. “What? When?”

They sat down next to Thomas and he sighed looking at him, trying to think of a way to explain this without outing Alexander to somebody he didn’t like. “You said something when you saw who he was playing that hurt his feelings-“

”I called him a girl.” Thomas deadpanned, giving them a look that said ‘are you stupid’. 

Lafayette scowled at him again, crossing his arms. “That hurt his feelings-“

”That’s so stupid.” Somebody said from behind them. Lafayette turned around to see Thomas’ best friend, James Madison. Lafayette sighed and rolled his eyes. 

“Did I ask for your opinion? Go away.” Lafayette scoffed and got up and turned around. “Apologize to Alex.” They turned on their heel and walked back to the lunch table, leaving John confused.

* * *

Martha wrapped an arm around Alexander as they sat on the couch. She tried her best to comfort him, she didn’t really know how. She made him take off his binder because his chest was constricted and he couldn’t breathe, and now he was frustrated.

”Alex, honey, you can’t get top surgery until you’re 18-“

”Mom.” Alexander cut her off, not even making eye contact. “I’m going to be 18 in January, it isn’t far from now.” Alexander moved closer to her, keeping his arms crossed over his chest. “I just want to be a boy-“

”You are a boy-“

” _Nobody seems to believe me!”_ Alexander whimpered, feeling himself choke up again and he squeezed his eyes shut. “They all see me as a little girl, which is what I am-“

”You’re my son, Alex!” Martha wrapped her arms tightly around her son, holding onto him for dear life. “You’ve known for years that you’re male and I will treat you as so, and so what if other people don’t?” she pressed her face into his hair and she rubbed his back. “You know what you are, and so do I, and I love you.”

Alexander let one tear fall down his cheek and he wiped it away, taking her words in, comprehending them.

”I love you too, mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i tried to write an anxiety attack from dysphoria but i’m not trans and i don’t know what the thoughts would be. my cousin is trans so i kinda just like thought of things that he said happens to him when he feels very dysphoric? (btw my cousin is the cutest bean he needs a h u g) somebody, please inform me if i did anything wrong or said something offensive!!! i tried my best to keep it from being offensive and i truly apologize if it was !!!!!!!! someone lmk if this was okay. but yeah i didn’t really know how to write this since i’m not trans but i know that i end up having similar thoughts when i think about my *homophobic* family members and me being pansexual and then my anxiety from almost outing myself at every family gathering lmao. okay, yeah! Lmk how y’all feel about this!!!! love u guys sm


	4. The Three Times Thomas’ Apology Failed and the One Time Alexander Accepted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas tries to apologize for making Alexander cry more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m sad how are you

_**Monday** _

Thomas slapped his phone at least ten times until he finally touched the button to turn off the alarm. “Fuck off.” he grumbled to himself and he rubbed his bleary eyes as he opened them. Thomas’ eyes adjusted with the light pouring into his bedroom. He groaned and rolled out of bed, heading into the bathroom to brush his teeth and take a quick shower. Thomas rinsed his body off quickly and he headed back into his bedroom, putting on a pair of black jeans and a white shirt, pairing his outfit with his leather jacket. 

Thomas decided not to wear contacts, he just put his glasses on and headed downstairs, trying his best to ignore his dad. They had another argument the night before, his father saw James drop him off and wouldn’t shut up about how he didn’t like James because he thought James liked boys and whatever, due to the gay jokes he constantly made. Thomas grabbed a bottle of water and shoved it into his backpack, then walked over to the table and kissed his mom on the cheek and greeted his siblings.

”’M running late. I’ll see y’all later, love you!” he called as he slung his bag over his shoulder and grabbed the keys to his motorcycle. He ran out of the house and hopped onto the bike, putting the helmet on. Thomas rolled his eyes, feeling his glasses hit the helmet. He decided to ignore it, just kicking up his kickstand and starting up his bike. Thomas took off quickly, trying to make his way to school on time. It was about 7:50 and he had to be there at 8, he really hoped he would arrive on time. 

Thomas arrived at his school and parked in one of the student parking spaces. He took his helmet off and fixed his glasses, then tried to fix his hair as well since it was all over the place. “Ugh, helmet hair.” he grumbled under his breath. When he looked up, he saw Alexander walking past with John, their arms linked. He perked up a bit, remembering that he had to apologize to Alexander. He scrambled to get off of the bike and thankfully, due to his lof legs, he caught up quickly.

”Hamilton!” Thomas tapped his shoulder and he turned around, looking up at him. Alexander’s face turned to one of irritation, John’s turned to one of happiness.

”Thomas! Hey, buddy!” he grinned and pulled Thomas into a hug.

Alexander scoffed, still obviously a little pissed off at what Thomas said to him. Thomas wasn’t sure why he was so angry, Thomas wasn’t aware if he said anything offensive. He called him a girl, yeah, but he was a boy. Alexander knew he was a boy, why was he so angry about that? Thomas shook away the thoughts and he hugged John back and then just smiled.

”I wanted to talk to Alex, actually-“

”Don’t call me Alex.” Alexander crossed his arms and sassily cocked out a hip. Thomas raised an eyebrow and put his hands up in defense. 

“Chill, short stack, I just wanted to apologize for what I said, Laf said you were really upset and I felt bad.” He said genuinely and Alexander just scoffed and flipped him off.

”What do you care?”

Alexander turned on his heel and left John and Thomas standing there. John knew why he was mad but Thomas was just flat out confused. 

Thomas just rolled his eyes, said goodbye to John, and walked off.

_**Tuesday** _

Thomas decided that taking a direct approach wouldn’t work. Maybe he’d try a simpler way of apologizing. Maybe, getting lunch for him in the lunch room today? 

Yeah, maybe that’d work.

Or so he thought.

Thomas almost never got school lunch, so he was quite grossed out over the food he saw in the back. He shivered and then took a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, since everyone likes those, right? 

Thomas looked around the lunchroom for Alexander, his eyes almost immediately catching him because he was  _so fucking loud._ Thomas made his way over to Alexander and tapped his shoulder. When he turned around, Thomas held the sandwich out to him and Alexander grimaced and looked up at him with the same annoyance he did the day before.

”I’m allergic to peanuts, Jefferson.”

Thomas face palmed and he sighed.

_Who would’ve thought?_

Thomas groaned and just turned back around. Before he walked away, he mumbled “I apologize.”

Alexander never responded.

_**Wednesday** _

Thomas had brainstormed a bunch of ways to try and get Alexander to forgive him. Not because he wanted him to, of course. It was for the sake of the musical, they had to work together in about a week for this musical and Alexander basically hated him for something he did, that he didn’t even know he did.

Thomas approached Alexander before choir that day, he grabbed his arm gently and tugged him into the staircase. 

Alexander grimaced up at him with his arms crossed. 

“I don’t know why you’re mad.” Thomas mumbled and he rubbed his temples in exasperation. “Just tell me so I can apologize.” Thomas sighed and he stood against the wall, facing Alexander. Alexander walked up close to him and he jabbed his finger into his chest.

”I’m not a girl.”

Alexander stomped away and headed towards the music room and Thomas was left wondering why being called a girl hurt him so much.

Was there something he didn’t know? 

_**Thursday** _

Thomas didn’t ride his bike to school that day, he walked. It wasn’t too cold outside, either. So, he walked to dunkin’ donuts and got Alexander an iced coffee, hoping he got the order correct. Thomas slowly walked towards his school, he had extra time that morning because he left almost a whole hour early. Thomas knew Alexander was always at school early, so he headed into the cafeteria and looked around. Luckily, his voice was so loud that he found him immediately by hearing him laugh.

Thomas walked up to the group slowly and sat down next to Alexander, startling him when he turned around.

”What?” Alexander looked up at him with his arms crossed and Thomas felt a pang of irritation. He was so god damn hard headed. 

“I’m sorry for calling you a little girl, and I bought you an iced coffee.” Thomas tried to seem as sincere as possible, even though he still didn’t understand why Alexander was so genuinely upset from such a small thing.

Alexander offered a small smile and he looked up at Thomas. “I accept your apology.”

Thomas mentally cheered in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so short this chapter is shitty


	5. Rehearsal Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Alex argue at rehearsal.  
> Alex cries, then he makes Thomas cry, and Thomas fights with his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE AND IMPLIED SELF HARM*  
> my head hurts but i saw gnash live and he was amazing :,) i cried

“Good afternoon, cast!” The teacher who was in charge, Mrs. Reynolds, exclaimed. Alexander was sitting next to Thomas as per request of Aaron. Aaron was sitting next to Angelica and mrs. Reynolds since they were the assistant directors. It was their second rehearsal, technically. The day before was the cold read, and Alexander and Thomas fought  _the whole time._ As per usual, they ended up on opposite sides of the stage, trying to avoid each other at all costs. But now, they had to interact.

”So, today we’re going to do a run through but with more emotion and a lot of action.” She explained and Alexander nodded, looking over at Aaron with a smile. Alexander was excited because the cold read went  _wonderfully, on his end._ He ran his lines smoothly with almost no issues, he had just the right amount of emotion. However, he just couldn’t stop fighting with Thomas. Maybe this time, it would be a bit better. 

They ran through the first few songs in the musical, they had just passed fight for me and Alexander  _killed it._ It took everything in Thomas to stand there and not look stunned and to just go on with the scene. Alexander felt a rush of adrenaline after he did the song, he couldn’t even describe the happiness he was feeling. He was so happy he was in this musical, and now he was glad he got the role of Veronica. 

They were running through the 7/11 scene, where JD and Veronica have a conversation about why JD hangs out in 7/11. Alexander was supposed to act like he was into Thomas, obviously since Thomas was supposed to be his love interest in this musical. However, Thomas seemed to be having a problem with being close to Alexander here, and it was pissing him off.

”You have to act like you actually like me, dumbass.” Alexander snapped halfway through the scene. The auditorium fell quiet. Alexander could see out of the corner of his eye, Eliza was practically begging him to not start an argument. 

Thomas glared at him and then he raised his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I’m trying my best here, stupid.” he growled. “It’s quite hard to like somebody like you, you’re-“

”Don’t start with me, Jefferson.” Alexander put his script down to get closer to Thomas and get up in his face. Thomas scoffed and he just put his hand on Alexander’s forehead to shove him back.

”Don’t talk, you little girl.” he rolled his eyes and Alexander gasped, trying not to let that blow hit him. “And you’re supposed to be female right now, not male, so stop acting like such an alpha male when-“ He stomped on Thomas’ toe and when Thomas cried out in pain, he pinched his nipple and then turned around and grabbed his script.

”You’re such an asshole!” Alexander yelled. “God, I don’t even know why you have friends, you’re such a dick!” he snapped and furrowed his eyebrows in anger. Alexander felt tears bubbling up in his throat, but forced them down in attempt to not make himself look weak in front of Thomas. He knew everything he said was just to spite him, but they still hurt. “You’re so stupid, and holy shit I don’t understand how people can stand to be around you. You insufferable piece of shit.” Alexander snapped and he ran down the stairs of the stage and grabbed his bag. He shoved his script in his bag and he ran out of the auditorium, Aaron running behind him calling “Alex! Alexander!” along with Peggy. Angelica turned to Thomas and just glared at him and grabbed her purse, and Peggy’s backpack. “Let’s go get Alex, Eliza. Sorry, Mrs. Reynolds, you might have to end rehearsals early.” she said kindly to the teacher and she nodded and had a small talk with the cast and dismissed everybody. Thomas stayed back to talk with her and apologized, and that was the last thing Angelica noticed before she ran out of the auditorium and outside of the school to find Aaron hugging Alexander who was having trouble breathing. Angelica sighed and gently put her hand on his back. 

“I’ll drive everybody home, let’s go.” The senior girl spoke softly and Aaron nodded, resting his hand on the small of Alexander’s back. 

“He’s just mean, and he doesn’t know what his words do to you, don’t take them to heart.” Aaron said softly in Alexander’s ear as they climbed in the backseat of Angelica’s car. Alexander was between Peggy and Aaron, so he rested his head on Peggy’s shoulder and just shut his eyes. 

He didn’t want to think.

* * *

Thomas felt bad, but it was whatever at this point. He already did the damage, there was no point in saying sorry and making up because Alexander was going to hate him regardless.

Doesn't everybody?

He felt the dull ache in his chest at the thought, but he tried to push it away. Thomas put his helmet on his head and climbed on his bike, starting it up and speeding off towards his house. He sighed, feeling the wind blow around him. It felt calming, it felt nice. 

Thomas was still thinking about Alexander’s words when he arrived at his house.

He was stupid, and insufferable..

Just like his dad said. 

Thomas tried to suck it up before he went inside, but a tear fell as soon as he walked into his house. He started to head upstairs, but of course, his father had to walk into the room. Just his luck.

”Where were you?” Peter slurred, Thomas winced. He had been day drinking again. Thomas didn’t want to deal with it, but his siblings were all at dance and soccer practice. His mom couldn’t come to his rescue.

Thomas hesitates before he spoke, biting down harsh on his lip. “Rehearsal.” he spoke, voice barely above a whisper. Peter stood in front of him. 

“Why are you still doing that?” he questioned. Thomas backed up, really not wanting to deal with his father. “You’re already doing enough at school, volleyball, model United Nations, you don’t need more.” Peter slurred his words and set his hand down on the table.

Thomas crossed his arms, his sadness suddenly turning to anger. Why did his father want to restrict his happiness so badly? Why was it so bad that he was doing so much in school?

Thomas hated being home. Every time he was home, he ended up fighting with his father. He wanted to be as occupied as possible, so he joined so many things so he wouldn’t be home. 

“Why won’t you just let me be?!” he yelled, furrowing his eyebrows and flailing his arms about for emphasis. Peter seemed taken aback, not expecting his son to just snap like that. Thomas almost never yelled back. Thomas was shocked himself, he didn’t think he would be able to scream back at his father. 

Peter walked closer to him and drew his arm back, backhand slapping Thomas across the cheek. He was  _fuming._ Thomas has seen his father this angry before, and it always resulted in bruises. 

Suddenly, he regretted sticking up for himself.

Thomas held in the tears and he let out a shaky breath, still wanting to put up a fight and finally get Peter to leave him alone and stop attacking him. Him and his mom were always the main targets of his father’s abuse, his siblings almost never got it. He thanked every deity that he could think of in that moment that his siblings weren’t there because he would murder somebody if they were hurt.

Thomas was so tempted to just leave. He was so tempted to just up and run away, but he couldn’t leave his siblings alone. His mom, too. She was his pride and joy and his whole heart. Thomas picked up his head to look at his father, suddenly seeing a monster instead of somebody who was supposed to be his protector.

He wondered when his father turned into this evil person.

”Go to your room.” Peter grumbled and Thomas went to speak.

”Sir I’m-“

”I said  _go.”_

Thomas turned on his heel and he ran up the stairs to his bedroom, shutting the door quietly and he sat on his bed and unlocked his laptop. Thomas clicked on FaceTime and called John, trying his best to not cry. 

“Thomas!” John grinned as he answered the call, but his face immediately fell as he caught a glimpse of the bruise forming on his cheek. “W-what-“ John’s panicked question was cut off by Thomas shaking his head. 

“Just distract me.”

* * *

John absolutely  _hated_ the fact that Thomas was being abused. He had debated a million times telling somebody and getting child services involved, but Thomas told him no. John knew what it was like to be beaten and threatened and he knew what it was like to be put down.

He just wanted Thomas to be safe. 

Sadly, that wasn’t the case and probably wouldn’t be the case until Thomas was 18 and able to live on his own. John couldn’t wait for that day.

”Am I an insufferable piece of shit?” John was snapped out of his own thoughts when he heard Thomas question that in a voice that was so little, it didn’t even sound like Thomas. John’s heart dropped and he started to shake his head slowly.

”Who told you that?” John asked, starting to grow furious. Who called  _Thomas_ that? Of all things? Of all  _people_ to call that? Thomas was the farthest thing from insufferable, or a piece of shit. He knew Thomas felt that way, but who reiterated it and put that thought back into his brain.

”Dad and- and,” Thomas seemed to hesitate before he spoke. “Alex.” he said in whisper and John clenched his fist.

 _Alexander Hamilton?_ John knew that he and Thomas weren’t the fondest with each other, but why in the hell would he say that to Thomas? He didn’t know their history, or what Thomas had said to Alexander, but he knew that he was going to literally hurt  _murder_ Alexander, even if he was his best friend.

* * *

”Alexander  _fucking_ Hamilton.” 

John’s voice boomed through the phone speaker when Alexander picked up the phone. Alexander didn’t know what he did, frankly he didn’t even know what John was mad about. 

Alexander let out an exhausted sigh. He was tired already because he had an anxiety attack from his dysphoria again, he was having one of those days and what Thomas said made it worse. 

“What, John?” he mumbled. “You called to tell me what I did wrong today?” 

Alexander could practically hear how angry was from the sound of John’s breathing. “You made Thomas cry.”

Alexander rolled his eyes and let out a soft chuckle. “He made me cry like four times already, next.” He said.

John often wanted to “protect” Thomas, or whatever, so Alexander never told him when Thomas called him a little girl or said things to trigger his dysphoria. He never wanted to mention it because even though John was his best friend, he’d never believe it because he thought Thomas was some perfect little angel.

”That doesn’t change the fact that you made him feel like shit!” John yelled through the phone and Alexander felt a pang of irritation. Why didn’t John care that Thomas made  _him_ cry? Why did he ignore that? 

He probably wouldn’t care if he told him why, anyways. 

He decided to let it go, to just avoid arguing with his best friend.

”I’ll say sorry,” Alexander mumbled. His head was booming against his head and his thighs were burning as well. He pulled his blanket over his body, trying hard to not let the blanket rub to hard against his thighs.

But John probably didn’t care.

”I’m going to bed, goodnight.” 

Alexander hung up the phone and he put his phone on the bed next to him, laying down and trying to hold his arms over his chest to push down the bumps on them. 

John probably didn’t care about how he was feeling either.

Alexander pushed the thought of his best friend away, not wanting to have another thing to feel anxious about that night. 

He shut his eyes, purposely not setting the alarm on his phone.

He wasn’t going in the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this hurt because alex no ): and THOMAS NEEDS A SAFE HOME ): and JOHN IS KIND OF A DICK TO ALEX HERE IM SO SORRY ): and ALEX OMG NO STOP ): all of my babies need hugs


	6. The Chapter Where John is a Dick to Alex, Alex apologizes, Alex cries, Thomas fights with his dad and gets drunk, and Thomas and Alex become friends.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well the title is the summary. This is a rollercoaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven’t updated this week has been a MESS! regents week just passed and i had finals last week even tho we were supposed to be off. saturday was my birthday and yesterday we had a party so i didn’t get a chance to finish this chapter !! i’m sorry if it’s trash but ENJOY

John had been ignoring Alexander since Thomas told him what he said.

That meant three things:

  1. He had nobody to wake him up if he was late to first period because he slept in, since him and John hung out in the mornings.
  2. Alexander felt more anxious than usual, because John was his best friend and frankly, he didn’t care about how he was feeling or even hearing his side of the story and why he called Thomas what he called him.
  3. None of his other friends knew that he cut before, so if one of them touched him and he flinched, John wasn’t there to wave them off and talk to Alexander and make it better.



So in essence, Alexander was royally fucked for the day.

He woke up halfway into second period and only had 20 minutes to get to school to arrive before the start of third period. His hair was all over the place and he didn’t even put on his binder, so he was wearing a big hoodie in hopes of hiding his chest. He had stopped to get an iced coffee for Thomas, then almost got hit by a car. It was raining outside, but his umbrella broke on the way to school, so he was soaked when he walked in. And John? Well, he saw him in the hallway and just said “apologize to Thomas.” No “are you okay?” or “why are you late?”

Alexander just assumed he didn’t care.

 _Whatever,_ he thought.  _Who even cares. Nobody._ Alexander just sighed to himself and continued walking. It was fourth period, meaning he had concert choir. However, he was going to be a little bit late. He walked to where the math classrooms were and found Thomas, since Lafayette said he had class there during that period. Alexander just walked in, scanned the room quickly for Thomas and found him putting his things down. The late bell didn’t ring yet, so he rushed over to him.

Alexander put the coffee on his table and Thomas’ head snapped up and he raised an eyebrow at him. Alexander noticed the bruise on his cheek and felt a pang of sadness in his chest. He almost raised his hand to touch it, but he refrained. “‘M sorry for making you cry.” Alexander mumbled out quickly and he looked behind him. “I have to go to choir but we can talk about this at lunch, or something.” Alexander didn’t even wait for another word from Thomas and he ran out of the room. He rushed downstairs, and in the process tripped over his own foot and fell down the stairs, hitting his thigh against the railing and his shin against the ground. Alexander whimpered at the pain, putting his hand over his leg and he slowly walked down the stairs this time, limping into the choir room and explaining that he just fell down the stairs and he was going to sit during warm ups.

Alexander was practically limping when he was leaving choir, so his teacher pulled him aside and made him call his dad to pick him up, who couldn’t since he was in a meeting.

To put it simply, Alexander’s day wasn’t going well at all. 

* * *

Thomas was confused. Thankful, but very confused. Why would Alexander ever apologize to him? Thomas made him cry so many times at this point that he was shocked Alexander had any sympathy left in his body. Thomas sipped slowly on the iced coffee as he walked through the hallway with his headphones in. He felt overly giddy today, for some reason. The fact that Alexander apologized also made him feel extremely happy, for some reason. Maybe he could attempt to make amends with him, somehow. 

As he was walking to his locker, he caught a glimpse of John, Alexander, Lafayette, and Hercules talking by Alexander’s locker. Hercules seemed to be arguing with John while Alexander just covered his face, almost like he was..  _crying?_ Thomas wondered if by telling John about what Alexander said to him, he caused a fight between the two of them. Thomas felt sympathetic for Alexander for about a second, but then just carried on with whatever he was doing.

Later, he would wish he didn’t ignore it.

* * *

“Stop being a dick to Thomas, and maybe he wouldn’t insult you-“ 

Alexander stomped his foot and he huffed out, trying to seem bigger than John, even though he wasn’t. Why was he suddenly taking  _Thomas’_ side? Wasn’t Alexander his best friend? He didn’t know why John stuck up for Thomas so much, without ever supporting him as well.

”He triggers my dysphoria with everything he says, how is that okay to you?!” 

John scoffed and crossed his arms. “It’s okay when you make him feel like shit even though he has a lot going on already.”

Alexander stood there with his mouth dropped wide open and he walked closer to John and punched him as hard as he could in the chest. He felt tears prickling in the corners of his eyes and he poked John hard in the chest with each of his words.

”You are the  _worst_ best friend in the world right now, John.” Alexander snapped and he slammed his locker hard and ran down the hallway. It was fifth period, meaning he had lunch now. He decided he wasn’t even going to go, maybe he’d sit in the staircase until it was sixth period.

He felt like shit at the current moment, he didn’t even know why John was so angry. Why was he so protective over Thomas? Why didn’t he matter.

He didn’t matter.

Alexander rushed to the staircase near the choir room that nobody went in and he sat down on the radiator, bursting into tears. He wrapped his arms around his body, hoping that he could feel comforted enough by himself. He hoped John would run in and say sorry, he hoped that they would make up and be best friends again, but that wouldn’t happen. He knew when John was mad, he was petty, and he was going to ignore him. It was stupid, childish, and annoying, but Alexander knew. 

He was softly sniffling and hugging his body when he heard the door swing open.

To his surprise, it wasn’t Lafayette, Hercules, John, or the sisters.

It was..  _Thomas?_

Alexander looked up, then shifted his gaze away from Thomas. “What do you want? Come to taunt me more? I’m not in the mood.” Alexander wiped his eyes and he furrowed his eyebrows, trying to seem as angry as physically possible while he was crying. 

Thomas let out a soft chuckle and he fixed his jacket. He slowly walked over to Alexander and gave him a little bit of a grin. “I came to say sorry.” He said softly and Alexander looked up at him and furrowed his eyebrows. 

“I made  _you_ cry, why are you saying-“

”Because I made you cry just as much, and I thought it was time to apologize.” Thomas cut him off and he offered a smile. Alexander didn’t know why, but he managed a weak smile back. “I hurt your feelings so much more than you hurt mine, and I’m sorry.” Thomas sat down next to him on the radiator and Alexander tensed up and wrapped his arms around himself even tighter, if that was even possible. “I’m sorry about John-“

”He’s an ass, he’ll get over it and say sorry and I’ll have to forgive him because ‘that’s what a best friend does’ and I’ll feel bad and be the bad guy and-“ he cut himself off and looked at Thomas nervously. “Why am I even telling you this?” he chuckled and scratched the back of his head.

Thomas shrugged and he leaned his head back.

”I guess a part of me wants to.” Alexander mumbled under his breath.

Alexander looked up again and he wiped his eyes of any tears that were left. “I’m sorry for being a dick to you all the time.” He said softly and he turned to look at Thomas. “It wasn’t really the best idea, and I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry.”

Thomas offered him a hand and Alexander took it, shaking it. “It’s okay, Alexander.” Thomas grinned and Alexander felt a chill run down his spine at the sound of his name. “Now, give me your number, we missed out on rehearsal time and we could maybe call later and rehearse the lines.” he smiled widely at Alexander who gladly agreed to give his number to Thomas.

Maybe this was the start of something new.

* * *

Thomas biked home in silence, feeling giddy because he had finally made amends with Alexander and they were  _friends._

Well, for the most part. 

He was happy that they were civil now, and they would be able to work on this musical properly without anymore fighting. However, he wanted to know why Alexander looked so sad. Maybe he could gain his trust, get him to truly forgive him and trust him. He couldn’t work with somebody if they didn’t trust him, it didn’t work like that. 

Thomas parked his bike in the driveway and took his helmet off, taking his keys out of the ignition. He shook his hair out and fixed his bag on his shoulder, slowly making his way to the door and unlocking it. Thomas was holding his breath, mostly because he had gotten into a fight with his father the night before and he was almost a hundred percent sure he was still drunk from the night before. He was in a good mood, he didn’t need that ruined. He thought nobody was home, so he quietly cheered and he sat down at the table, pulling his things out of his bag to start on his homework. He was softly singing freeze your brain under his breath, he had to learn the song and even though he knew it, he needed to know it on the correct key so he could sing along with the music. 

Thomas started singing louder. He was getting side tracked and he stood up, actually starting to sing the song at the top of his lungs, belts, vibrato, and all. 

He was getting to the key change in the song, when suddenly he heard his father’s voice from behind him.

”Thomas, stop it.” Peter called and Thomas jumped in fear, not expecting it since he thought he was home alone.

”I-um, sorry sir.” Thomas sat back down at the table and he continued his homework, clenching his fist to try and ignore him. 

His father sat down at the table, taking a sip from the cup he had in his hand. Thomas refused to look, refused to see his father ruining his liver. 

Thomas completely forgot, but he had a failed calculus exam in the back of his binder. It was the first exam he’s ever failed in that class, he was ruined. He cried to his team for nights, but eventually got over it because he knew how intelligent he was. 

“What the fuck is this?” Peter questioned, pushing Thomas’ hand away and looking at the failed exam in the back of his binder. Thomas tensed up and shoved his hand away from his binder, making Peter give him a look.

”It was from October, my average is still above an 85-“

”Not good enough.” Peter snapped and he got up. “It needs to be better-“

Thomas glared at him and he slammed his hand on the table. “Just  _shut up!”_ Thomas huffed out. “All you do it criticize me and make me feel like shit, just shut the f-“

Thomas got slapped before he could finish.

Peter slapped him across the cheek again.

And again.

” _Never_ speak to me like that.”

Peter shoved him before he went upstairs, not even bothering to pick up the bottle he left on the table and the cup.

Thomas held his cheek and he gulped. 

He grabbed the bottle, and ran upstairs. 

He waited for his mom to get home, waited for the whole family to eat. He snuck the whole bottle of Johnnie Walker upstairs.

* * *

Alexander was asleep, for once. He was too upset, too sad to talk to his mom about anything, and too stressed to do his homework, which was shocking. He practiced his vocals and he just went straight to sleep after his shower. He usually wasn’t bothered when he was sleeping, because he knew his friends and they didn’t bother him if he didn’t text back because they knew he was probably asleep for once.

So when he heard knocking at his window and his phone buzzing non stop, he was  _very_ confused. 

Alexander groaned and he furrowed his eyebrows. His eyes were bleary from sleep as he got out of bed. He slowly shuffled his way towards the window and checked the time on his clock in the process.

_11:30 pm._

He put his glasses on and looked out of the window tilting his head to the side and squinting. He made out a puff of hair with only a hoodie on and his eyebrows shot to his hairline.

_Thomas?_

Alexander opened his window and he whisper screamed down to him. “Thomas?? How do you even know-“

”John-“ he hiccuped. “John mentioned it awhile ago. Don’t ask.” he grumbled and Alexander just shut the window and ran downstairs, careful not to wake his parents. He didn’t even put pants on, he just wanted to let the poor boy stand out there, he was shivering for christ’s sake.

Alexander made his way into the yard with no pants or socks or shoes, just a long shirt and his underwear and he walked up to Thomas and sighed at him, shaking his head. “Are you drunk?” he questioned and Thomas averted his eyes to the grass before he nodded. Alexander’s eyes scanned his face before his eyes fell on the bruise that graced his cheek. “T-Thomas.. What happened?” he questioned and he reached up to gently stroke his face. He felt a pang in his chest as he saw Thomas’ face fall.

”My-my dad..” Thomas started before immediately almost breaking down into tears. Alexander stroked his cheek with his thumb and shushed him softly.

”Okay, okay..” he whispered and he moved his hand so he was gently holding Thonas’. “Come, let’s go inside.”

Alexander was confused as to why Thomas came to him instead of John, or James, or his other friend Keith who was also on the team. As he led Thomas through his house and into his room, all of those thoughts ran through his head.

”John didn’t answer, James isn’t home because he’s with his grandma, and the rest of the team are just.. I’m not close with them.” Thomas was sort of slurring his words as Alexander shut his door and turned towards him. His heart wrenched again as he saw the bruises in the light. He noticed that there were a few on his arms and some more on his cheek. Alexander slowly walked towards him and he sighed.

”Why won’t you tell somebody about this?” He questioned and he bit his lip. He and Thomas weren’t exactly friends for very long. They became friends that same day, but he felt like he could trust him. 

Thomas shrugged and he looked away front Alexander, rubbing his eyes. “Dad will hate me.” he whispered and Alexander sighed and he took his hand, pulling him until he ended up sitting on the bed. “He argues with me when he’s drunk, which is a lot, and hits me because I’m gay.” Thomas hugged himself and looked away from Alexander.

”Thomas, you need to-“

”Can we talk about this when I’m  _not_ drunk?” Thomas chuckled softly and Alexander just looked away.

”Okay.”

He grabbed a pillow off of the bed and went into his closet, grabbing about three blankets and making a bed on the ground.

Thomas had his shoes off and he was laying on the bed comfortably, staring at Alexander. Alexander completely forgot he didn’t have a binder on, or pants on, because he was so tired.

”Why are you sleeping on the floor?”

Alexander laughed and he looked up, crossing his arms. “I’m sure you don’t want to share the bed.”

Thomas shrugged and stretched his arms out. “I don’t mind.”

”You’re a very tiny boy.” Thomas stated and Alexander rolled his eyes.

”Yes, I know, thanks for stating the obvious.” He muttered under his breath, truly wanting to go back to sleep. It was when he was bent over he realized he had no pants on and his cheeks turned red as he covered his thighs, forgetting what was all over.

“I-um.” Alexander mumbled and he scratched his head, shuffling back over to the bed and sitting next to Thomas. Thomas looked hurt, and confused. He gently reached over and grazed his hand over his leg softly, making Alexander wince a bit and push his hand away. He didn’t expect that they would be sharing secrets like this tonight. 

Thomas looked at Alexander, who’s arms were crossed over his chest. “Alexander, did you do that?” he questioned, already knowing the answer. Alexander squeezed his eyes shut and he nodded and reached down to cover his thighs with his shirt.

Thomas looked up at him and he gulped, looking back down again. “I’m sorry.” he said softly and reached forward to hug him tightly. Alexander tensed for a second, but then calmed down and moved closer to Thomas. He felt his body relax, the hug almost felt natural. 

“Can we talk about it in the morning on the way to school, or something?” he questioned and Thomas nodded, kissing the top of his head ever so gently. Alexander’s cheeks turned pink and he pulled away to crawl underneath the covers. Thomas went with him, moving so he could lay next to Alexander. 

Alexander laid on his side facing Thomas and Thomas was facing Alexander. Alexander gave Thomas a gentle smile and he shut his eyes, feeling warm and fuzzy inside since Thomas genuinely cared for him, or at least seemed like it. He felt an arm move around his waist and his eyes shot open as he felt Thomas tugging him until his head was on his chest. Alexander tensed for a moment, before pressing his head down and cuddling up close.

Maybe he would like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awh i’m sad.


	7. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander has another secret that Thomas finds out about.  
> *alex’s panicked thoughts are in italics*  
> **TRIGGER WARNING FOR INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i’m sad  
> **TW FOR INTERNAL TRANSPHOBIA**  
> y’all get a bit about alex’s relationship w his brother in here. this was added in to explain his internalized transphobia. my baby ):

Alexander woke up to the sound of his alarm and the feeling of arms around his waist and legs tangled in his own. He felt warm breathing against the back of his neck and his face flushed from the feeling of the other body against his own. He heard a soft groan from behind him and felt the body shuffle closer to him.

”We have school.” Alexander mumbled and buried his face into the pillow under him. The boy next to him sat up and he rubbed his eye and squeezed his eyes shut. Alexander turned over to look at him and he laughed softly. “Hangover?” He questioned and Thomas nodded and gritted his teeth. 

“My parents left about an hour ago, so we can go downstairs. My brother left clothes here after he moved out a few years ago, and they should fit you.” Alexander mumbled under his breath and he sat up in the bed and reached to cover his thighs. He hoped that Thomas didn’t remember what they talked about the night prior. He looked at Thomas, noticing the bruises on his cheek turned darker and he sighed softly, reaching to touch it. Thomas winced before he even touched him and Alexander hushed him gently. “I won’t hurt you, Thomas.” he said softly and Thomas looked up at him with the softest eyes and then looked back down. Alexander frowned at how afraid he seemed and he caressed his cheek with his thumb. His heart broke at the thought of Thomas’ father beating him, slapping him, talking down to him. Nobody deserved that, nobody.  _Especially_ not Thomas. He said shitty things to Alexander and hurt his feelings, but he didn’t deserve that. His heart dropped when he realized  _he too_ hurt Thomas’ feelings. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against his face, his touch lighter than a feather. 

Thomas grabbed Alexander’s wrist softly and he squeezed it ever so gently. He looked up at him with a genuine smile and mumbled “Thank you.” 

Alexander felt his heart flutter. 

* * *

The two boys were dressed and out of the door by 7:30, since the walk to school was about twenty minutes. Thomas wore Alexander’s brother’s old gray sweatpants and a random crew neck, abandoning his hoodie as it was left on Alexander’s bedroom floor. Alexander was silent, not wanting to bring up what they spoke about. He didn’t want to hear about how he shouldn’t do what he does, how it’s just going to hurt him more. He’s heard it all before from John, but it was hard when he felt like he deserved the pain. 

He felt like the scars were a reminder that he was supposed to be feeling this. A reminder that -

His thoughts were cut off by a question. 

“Why would you do that to yourself?” 

Thomas was looking down at him with a serious look. Alexander shifted under his stare, it was the stare he got from his older brother, James, when he found out. 

Alexander shrugged and he gripped the straps of his bag with his hands tightly. “I-it.. helps..” he whispered softly and he pulled his hands away then clenched them into fists. “The pain it-“

”It doesn’t resolve anything.” Thomas mumbled and watched Alexander kick rocks under his feet. “It makes you hurt more, all it does is create more stress because then you have to worry about hiding it.” he explained softly. “Please, Alex,  _please.”_ Thomas begged. “Don’t do this to yourself, because seeing that hurt me more than any harsh word you’ve ever spoken to me. If you’re hurting, talk to somebody. Don’t harm yourself, please.” Thomas stopped and took Alexander’s hands in his own, looking him in the eyes. “Whatever you’re feeling is temporary. The pain will always get better, but the scars will stay forever. It’s not worth it, you could seriously hurt yourself.” he squeezed Alexander’s hands, who was currently trying to hold back tears because  _somebody_ cared. He knew his friends cared, but they didn’t  _know._ They didn’t know he felt suicidal, or that he hated himself, but Thomas did. John did.

But Thomas cared so much more.

And maybe, that would be enough. 

* * *

Alexander found Lafayette, Hercules, Aaron, and the sisters during their lunch period and sat them down to speak to them. John wasn’t there, he was still angry. Alexander could care less, maybe he’d apologize later.

Eliza cried. Eliza cried for literally twenty minutes. She held Alexander and bawled, begging him to never do it again. Lafayette and Hercules thanked him for making them aware of it and made him  aware that he could always be there to talk to him and that he didn’t have to resort to hurting himself. Angelica and Peggy took him by the hands and told him they loved him and that he was worth so much more. Aaron..

Aaron cried even more than Eliza did.

Being Alexander’s first friend, the first person who found out he was bisexual, and the first person who knew he was trans, he was hurt. He hugged Alexander and begged him with his whole soul to always come to his friends. 

“I’m sorry..” Alexander whispered and Lafayette took his hands and looked him in the eyes.

”You should be, but you’re strong. You can get passed this.” Their grin beamed so bright that Alexander felt his heart wrench with happiness. He broke into tears at the feeling of love and happiness for his friends and they all held him tightly and whispered words of encouragement.

He decided that they were the people he’d one day be sitting on a porch with them when they’re old.

* * *

”Alex! Alexander!” Alexander was walking to rehearsal with his headphones plugged into his ears, not wanting to talk. Groaning, he turned around and his eyes widened as he saw a frazzled looking John running up behind him and grabbing him by the shoulders. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Alexander frantically questioned and John shook his head and just pulled him into a hug.

”I’m just sorry for being a dick, I should’ve listened to you.” He mumbled and he rested his chin on top of Alexander’s head, hugging his shoulders. “Thomas told me you were really upset and that you two talked things out, and I’m sorry that I was being an asshole to you.” John sincerely apologized and Alexander felt a smile tugging at his lips.

”You’re always an asshole.” he joked and John shoved him playfully with a soft giggle. 

“Be careful at rehearsal.” John stated before pecking his head. “Have fun.” he smiled and left Alexander with a huge smile on his face.

_He felt great._

Alexander walked into rehearsal with the biggest smile and as he put his things down, Angelica, Peggy, Eliza, and Aaron approached him.

”What’s gotten into you, huh?” Peggy questioned, poking his cheek and he swatted her hand away with a whine.

”Thomas and I are friends, you guys are the best people in the world, and John apologized with me, and overall I’m excited to be here because I love play rehearsal.” Alexander grinned, breathing in deeply because he said all of that in one breath. Eliza let out a soft ‘wow’ and Aaron just grinned at him while Angelica ruffled his hair. 

Angelica gave him a playful look before breathing in deeply, starting to sing.

_”I love play rehearsal-“_

“Angie,  _no.”_ The group simultaneously groaned and Eliza covered Angelica’s mouth with her hand. 

“Please, spare us from listening to you singing Be More Chill  _again.”_

“Who’s singing Be More Chill?” A voice came from behind the group and Alexander turned around and his smile grew even wider. 

Alexander walked over to Thomas and hugged him around the torso. “Hey.” he grinned and Thomas grinned back at him and mumbled “hi.” 

Their hug was interrupted as they heard clapping and footsteps coming into the auditorium. “Alright everybody!” Mrs. Reynolds called as she ran down the aisle. “Rehearsal will begin right now because we have a lot to do.” she stated and everybody set their bags down and headed onto the stage. “We left off at Big Fun, and Thomas and Alexander practiced the Dead Girl Walking vocals with me two days ago, and got them down.” She clapped excitedly, the whole cast followed suit and Alexander smiled and looked down at his feet shyly. “We’re going to start from Big Fun, and then we’re doing Dead Girl Walking.” she explained and everybody smiled and yelled an excited “okay!” as they all got into positions to start the song. 

Thomas was sitting on the chairs in the auditorium as Alexander, Peggy, Eliza, and a girl named Maria all interacted on stage, switching between arguing while singing and joking while singing. He grinned up at Alexander who winked at him in response while still singing along with the rest of the cast. As the song came to a close, Thomas made his way into the stage and laid on the ground, since he was supposed to be ‘asleep’ at the beginning of this song. 

Alexander tried his best to look like a mess, tried his best to sound drunk as hell while still getting words out coherently. He did horribly the first few times he performed it, but he did  _wonderfully_ this time.

” _The demon queen of high school has decreed it,_

_she says monday 8 am I will be deleted._

_They’ll hunt me down in study hall,_

_stuff and mount me on the wall,_

_thirty hours to live._

_How shall I spend them?”_

Alexander ran his hand through his hair and chuckled through his words. 

_“I don’t have to stay and die like cattle._

_I could change my name and ride up to seattle!_

_But I don’t own a motorbike.._

_Wait!”_ He paused and he giggled softly.

_”Here’s an option that I like,_

_spend these thirty hours getting freakay, yeah!”_

Alexander strutted across the stage and made his way up the “house” so he could climb into the makeshift window that they made for him. Alexander crawled over Thomas, who’s face was flushed as Alexander pressed his finger to his lip and shushed him. Thomas didn’t say anything, half because he was supposed to be silent and half because  _Alexander was literally on top of him._

Thomas was getting to the part where he had to unbutton Alexander’s shirt, but he noticed that Alexander had tended up and stopped singing, causing mrs. Reynolds to stop the music because Alexander was  _on top of Thomas_ and  _frozen._

Thomas’ hands were ghosting his chest. Alexander’s breath hitched and his eyes widened as he climbed off of Thomas. “I’m sorry, I-I’ll be back.” He mumbled before running off of the stage and towards the bathroom. Everybody went silent.

Thomas was the first to react.

”Thomas, leave him, I’ll-“ Peggy’s voice was cut off by Thomas.

”No. Let me.” Thomas rushed off of the stage and headed to the bathroom in long strides. He heard heavy breathing and soft whimpers and coughs coming from the boys’ bathroom, and he slowly made his way inside. 

Alexander’s heart rate quickened as he heard footsteps coming into the bathroom and he tried to slow his breaths, but he just choked out another sob as he shook and clutched at his chest. He held his arms over his chest, the binder restricting his breath. He didn’t want Thomas to know, didn’t want him to feel lied to. He didn’t let people touch him because of this reason, he didn’t want them to find out.

”Alex?” Thomas called gently and he walked towards the stall that the sobs were coming from. “Alexander, let me in.” he begged and he started to knock softly. 

Alexander didn’t respond, just let out another sob and hugged himself tighter. “No, stop!” he whimpered and he dug his fingers into his arms. “Stop, please.”

_He’s going to find out, he’s going to hate you. He’s going to hate you just like your brother did when he found out, he’s going to think you’re disgusting and he’s goung to slap you. You’re disgusting, why can’t you be-_

“Alexander Hamilton, I will not hurt you. Let me in, please..” 

Thomas sounded sincere to Alexander, sounded like he was genuinely worried. Could he risk it, though? Risk his newly found friendship? What if Thomas did just what James did when he found out? Slapped him and never spoke to him again? 

Was it worth the risk?

Alexander slowly reached to unlock the door, fingers shaking and heart racing.

It was worth a shot.

Thomas stretched his arms out as Alexander fell straight into his chest and sobbed against it while clinging onto his shirt for dear life.

”I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry..” he sobbed and Thomas held him tight and gently stroked his hair.

”Shh.. it’s okay.. you’re okay..” he whispered softly and Alexander violently shook his head, Thomas holding him to try and get him to stop shaking. 

Alexander held on tighter and Thomas slowly maneuvered them onto the ground and sat against the wall with Alexander between his legs, facing him. Alexander was holding on tightly, his brain racing a mile a minute. He couldn’t stop the thoughts of his brother’s words when he found out, mostly because Thomas was wearing his clothes and that just.. reminded him.

_You’re no boy._

_You’re no boy._

_Just be happy how you are, it’s a phase._

_You’re a girl._

Thomas was stroking his back and running his fingers through his hair, trying to get him to breathe and to get him to stop crying. Alexander felt the anxiety in his throat as his sobs continued and he looked up at Thomas. He gritted his teeth and he covered his mouth and buried his face back against his chest, not bearing to look at Thomas’ face.

How would he tell him? He was bound to find out today, whether it be now or later. Should he just say it? 

Thomas made him move back and he gently cupped Alexander’s cheeks softly, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. Thomas looked into his eyes with a deep, deep emotion that Alexander couldn’t quite understand. 

“Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Thomas spoke so softly that Alexander could barely hear him. Alexander hiccuped and looked down as he tried to collect his words and have them make sense.

Maybe he would just show him.

Alexander moved off of Thomas and he got up, causing Thomas to stand up as well. 

“Where are you-“

”Come into the big stall with me.” he cut Thomas off, his body still shaking and his heart still racing. Thomas furrowed his eyebrows but just followed behind Alexander into the stall and shut and locked the door.

Alexander wrapped his arms around his body and took a few deep breaths, clenching his eyes shut.

 _This is it,_ Alexander thought.  _He’s going to leave like James._

“I’m sorry, Thomas..” he trailed off, his voice breaking halfway through. Thomas gently hushed him and Alexander just opened his eyes and looked up at him. “Don’t leave me..” he begged. “Not after this..” he whimpered and Thomas looked fearful. 

“What’s going on?” He questioned and Alexander slowly moved to unbutton his flannel, Thomas shut his eyes.

”Why did you close your eyes?” Alexander furrowed his eyebrows and Thomas shrugged and covered them with his hands.

”I felt like it would be rude for me to look at you without a shirt on, because you didn’t say I could..” he mumbled and let out a soft giggle, earning one from Alexander and a hiccup. 

“You’re so sweet, but Thomas, just look, okay?” He signed and Thomas slowly retracted his hands from his eyes.

Alexander continued to unbutton his shirt, revealing the contraption that kept his chest flat until he could get top surgery. Thomas furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side.

It took him a minute, but after they stood there in silence for a few minutes, Thomas caught on. His jaw dropped slightly and Alexander shifted under his stare, suddenly feeling regretful.

”I-I shouldn’t have done this.” he stuttered out and he went to go button his shirt back up, but Thomas stopped him.

”I’m sorry.” Thomas stated simply and he wrapped his arms around Alexander’s shoulders tightly. Alexander furrowed his eyebrows but hugged him back, waiting for Thomas to finish. “I’m sorry for calling you a girl, for making fun of how small you are, I’m so fucking sorry.” he whispered against his head gently. Alexander felt more tears gather in his eyes and Thomas cupped his cheeks again and looked him in the eyes. 

“I accept you for whoever you are, who you love, what you feel.” Thomas spoke softly, he spoke gently. He spoke so that nobody else could hear him except Alexander.

Alexander wrapped his arms tightly around Thomas’ neck and he buried his head against him. He let the tears spill out as Thomas held him tightly around the waist and swayed them back and forth.

”Thank you, Thomas. Thank you.” Alexander whispered against his neck. Thomas just nodded and stroked his waist with his thumb.

Thomas accepted him. 

Thomas wasn’t angry.

He wasn’t going to leave him.

And for Alexander, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m ): but also :) because thomas is so sweet yes. but alex ): my baby ); and aaron isn’t an asshole here ik i made him alex’s bestie bc why not ? and yeah. I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY ILY y’ALALAL


	8. A Motorcycle Ride and a Kiss Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddling. Hugging. Flirting. All of that good shit.  
> Oh, and a kiss.  
> Alex’s singing is in italics  
> Thomas’ is in bold italics  
> and both of them are in bold italics and underlined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS STORY IS SO ANGSTY SO I THOUGHT WE NEEDED A FLUFFY CHAPTER HERE IT IS LMFAO

Rehearsal continued as normal after Alexander’s panic attack. He came back with Thomas, completely calmed down and actually  _smiling._ Mrs. Reynolds was glad, mostly because Alexander was okay, but also because they needed to continue the rehearsal since there was only three months left until the show. They continued Dead Girl Walking, went on with the shirt unbottoning and Alexander was..

surprisingly _okay_ with it. He continued to sing the song, but they didn’t add in the kiss for this song yet. They decided they’d practice the song during Seventeen. Alexander and Thomas managed to get through Dead Girl Walking _once_ with minimal giggling and  _a lot_ of snickering fromm Aaron and Angelica, who were giggling off to the side and putting hearts up at them, making Alexander flip them off in the middle of the song and causing Mrs. Reynolds to scold him. They had to run it a few more times, mostly because Thomas kept losing his chill because of Alexander trying to act drunk. They couldn’t get through the first verse without Thomas bursting into giggles and Alexander throwing something at him and Thomas laughing even harder.

”Okay, lovebirds,” Mrs. Reynolds playfully rolled her eyes and Alexander’s cheeks flushed red. He looked up and stopped singing and she laughed softly at the look on his face, which also caused Peggy to snicker as well. “Let’s run it once more, try to be serious, and then we can run The Me Inside Of Me and practice some of the choreography and run lines.” She grinned and directed everybody to go where they needed to go. “Alright, everybody, places! Rehearsal will be finished at 5:30!” she clapped and yelled “chop chop!” and everybody got into their places.

Alexander and Thomas ran dead girl walking perfectly with almost no trouble, just slipping up a bit  _physically._ Alexander tripped a few times on the stairs but it made everything look better because he was supposed to be drunk and high off of his ass. They finished the song, then got into their places to do the scene right after, where JD and Veronica murder Heather Chandler. Peggy got into her place, laying on the “bed” (Honestly, it was just a mattress on the ground with a few pillows and blankets. They couldn’t fit a bed for rehearsal, maybe for the actual show they would, though.) Thomas and Alexander stood on the stage, pretending to mix the drink that they used to kill her. Peggy was pretending to sleep, even adding in a little bit of snores. 

“Good morning, Heather.” Alexander grinned awkwardly, holding the cup out. Peggy rolled her eyes and got off of the bed.

”Veronica. And Jessie James, que surprise.” Peggy scoffed and put her hands on her hips. “Well, let’s get to it.” She crossed her arms and Alexander started to beg her, begging to be her “friend” again and begging for an apology while on his knees. It took everything in Eliza’s body for her not to laugh. Peggy was so good at the role that she could hardly even tell that was her sister. Alexander handed her the cup. Peggy took it and pretended to drink it, then her eyes widened as she started to cough. Alexander grabbed her by the arms as she began to stumble and she fell to the ground and then laid there, unmoving. 

“Heather!” Alexander screamed. “Heather!!” he screamed again and turned towards Thomas. “Don’t just stand there, call the police!” she screamed and Thomas sat beside him.

”It’s a bit late for that..” 

They went through the next few lines and  Alexander scribbled down a note, trying to sound like “Heather”. 

“ _Dear world,_

_Believe it or not, I knew about fear._

_I knew the way loneliness stung._

_I hid behind smiles and.. crazy hot clothes.._

_I.. Learned to kiss boys with my tongue!”_

_”That’s good.”_

Alexander ran through the first verse, before Peggy picked up on the lyrics and stood up, seeming to be an actual dead girl walking. 

“ _No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings.._

_No one sees her insecurity.._

_I am more than shoulder pads and makeup!_

_No one sees the me inside of me..._

“Jesus, you’re making me sound like air supply.” Peggy deadpanned through the song and she scoffed.

Peggy and Alexander sang together, their harmonies sounded perfect and even gave Mrs. Reynolds chills. By the time the song was over, Alexander was grinning and Peggy was as well, they high fived each other because  _that was perfect for a first time._

They finished the song, and the song afterwards and finished running some lines before Mrs. Reynolds called time and everybody said their goodbyes to each other after a few housekeeping rules. Everybody exchanged hugs and headed outside of the school.

”I’m gonna drop Aaron home, anybody else need a ride?” Angelica turned towards Alexander and Thomas and Alexander went to speak, before Thomas stopped him.

”I’m gonna walk Alex home, then I’ll walk.” he explained and Angelica paused for a second, then her lips curled into a smile.

”Kay. Have fun. Get home safe!” Angelica waved them off and Peggy smirked at Thomas before the others followed Angelica to her car.

Thomas turned towards Alexander and he held his arm out for him to take it. “Shall we?” he spoke playfully and Alexander grinned and took his arm.

It was drizzling, just a bit. All day, it had been pouring, just like the day prior. However, it was supposed to be bright out the next day. Alexander didn’t like rain, but he also didn’t mind drizzling. He just hated storms. Alexander giggled as he jumped into puddles and held onto Thomas’ arm, causing Thomas to shake his head with a fond look. The two walked almost completely in silence, but it was comfortable. 

Thomas decided he liked walking Alexander home.

* * *

The next morning, Alexander woke up to a call from Thomas at 6:30 a.m., the time he normally woke up for school. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, then picked up the call.

”Hello?” he grumbled out, his voice scratchy from sleep.

”Mornin’ darlin’.” Alexander could hear the grin in Thomas’ voice even over the phone. Thomas sounded as if he just woke up, which made Alexander’s cheeks flush and woke him up right away.

He was confused as to why Thomas called to wake him, it wasn’t a thing he would expect him to do. “I’m taking you to school today,” he started, pausing, almost hesitant to say the next part. 

“Okay..”

”On my motorcycle.”

Alexander shot up on the bed and he squealed and smiled so hard his cheeks hurt. “Really?!  _Oh my god!!!!”_ Alexander squealed and he got off of the bed and ran into the bathroom. “I’m gonna go get ready for school, pick me up at 7:30!” he squealed and said his goodbye to Thomas then hung up. Alexander was bouncing up and down on his feet as he started to play the RENT soundtrack from his phone and hopped in the shower. He sung at the top of his lungs, suddenly feeling extremely chirpy. 

He quickly washed his hair and his body, then shaved off the bit of stubble he was growing because he simply didn’t like it.

Alexander got out and he wiped off his body, lotioned himself, and put on the binder that he grabbed before he left the room. He put on the underwear he grabbed as well and went back into his room, pulling on a pair of black ripped jeans and a white tee shirt, paired with a jean jacket. He let his hair air dry as he grabbed his charger and his bag, running downstairs to eat some breakfast. He put some greek yogurt in a bowl and added fruit and granola on top, suddenly feeling like being healthy today. 

The entire time, Alexander couldn’t stop grinning.

He stopped in his tracks when he realized why.

It was random, really, his happiness towards Thomas’ presence. He thought back to the times where he would curse him out and scream at him and call him a prick, telling him he belonged on a cactus. Alexander’s cheeks flushed, remembering that he had a crush on him before they even spoke. He felt odd, all of a sudden Thomas was being so kind to him. Maybe it was just that he had to spend so much time with him, maybe he was just feeling like this because he had to see him so often and rehearse with him. 

But, he couldn’t deny that he thought he was cute. Alexander realized that he caught himself listening to Thomas’ voice quite often and when he hugged him, he’d listen to the rumble in his chest. His blush turned even darker when he realized that he was more open with Thomas than he was with any of his friends lately. He groaned and just sat at the table and plugged his phone in, grabbing his laptop that he left on the table the night before. He opened YouTube, going to watch some clips of Heathers in order to get his “feelings” for Thomas off of his mind.

As he watched JD sing freeze your brain, all he could think of was Thomas’ voice and how pretty he sounded and how his lips moved and-

 _Jesus Alexander,_ he thought,  _He’s just a friend. Nothing more._

Alexander huffed our and shoved a spoonful of yogurt through his lips before grumpily crunching on the granola. He ate slowly, mostly because he had a lot of time to spare before Thomas picked him up. Before he knew it, he was on the song My Dead Gay Son, and Thomas was knocking at his door. He shot up out of his seat, grabbing his phone and putting his bowl in the sink. Alexander slung his bag over his shoulder and rushed to tie his vans as he unlocked and opened the door with a shy smile and a blush.

”Hi..” he smiled, as if he wasn’t rushing to be out of the door a minute ago. Thomas smirked at him and went to lean on the doorframe.

But his arm slipped and he fell.

Alexander bursted into laughter as he watched Thomas glare at him, then he offered a hand to him.

”You're stupid.”

Thomas scowled at him before saying “I’m your ride to school, I suggest you don’t insult me.” and Alexander stopped laughing immediately.

Alexander followed Thomas down the front steps after he locked his front door and Thomas took his hand and helped him onto the back of the bike, then handed him the extra helmet he brought. “Here, you’ll need this, sweetheart.”

Alexander’s face flushed red again and he just pressed his face against Thomas’ back and mumbled. “Shut up.” while wrapping his arms around his middle tightly so that when he started to ride, he didn’t fall off.

Thomas’ lips curled up into a grin and Alexander smiled against his back, pressing his face against him. Alexander shut his eyes as he let Thomas ride them to school. 

Thomas parked in the student parking lot and Alexander detached himself from Thomas’ back, sitting up and taking off the helmet with a big smile.

Thomas walked over to him and took the helmet, taking his own off as well. “Hey.” he chuckled and Alexander looked up at him with his head tilted.

”Hi there.” he bit his lip and got up off of the bike. “That was fun, can we do it again?” Alexander looked up at him with his hands clasped together, looking at him in the eyes with a big smile.

Thomas shook his head with a giggle. 

“That would be nice.”

* * *

Alexander went through the whole day, awaiting rehearsal. He had his chin in his palm during pre calculus, looking at the board but not exactly playing attention. 

He just wanted to see Thomas.

He wondered when everything became about Thomas.

He smiler at the thought of his name alone, feeling butterflies erupt in his stomach. He shook away the thoughts, huffing out a breath as he continued to write about summation and whatever else the teacher was writing. He found himself just doodling in his notes, noticing the picture was a boy with curly hair and glasses.

He groaned and scribbled it over it. “Why now?” He wondered quietly to himself. He felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see John smirking at him.

”You're drawing Thomas again.” 

Alexander glared at him and flicked him, earning a soft “ouch” and a glare back. “I’m aware-“

”You’ve got it bad.” 

Alexander huffed and turned back around.

Maybe he did.

* * *

Finally, rehearsal arrived. Alexander bounced into the auditorium and slung himself over Eliza’s shoulders. “Hey, Liza.” He grinned and she put her hands on his forearms and laughed.

”Hey, Alex.” she smiled widely. “Where’s your boyfriend?” she questioned and he looked at her with furrowed eyebrows.

”Boyfriend? What boyfriend?” he questioned, feeling confused. He didn’t have a boyfriend? Since when? Was somebody saying things about him? What- oh wait.

_She was talking about Thomas._

His face flushed red and he crossed his arms, feeling defensive. Thomas wasn’t his boyfriend. (Though, he wouldn’t mind if he was his boyfriend.) 

“He’s  _not_ my boyfriend.” he grumbled out, then looked away with his nose stuck up. “He is not my boyfriend, just a good friend.” he grumbled and he felt somebody tap his shoulder.

”Well,” Angelica started as she walked over slowly. “Your ‘good friend”, she said with quotations, “is coming over here with coffeee that says your name on it with a heart.” she smirked and Alexander turned around to see Thomas and his lips turned up into a grin. He immediately felt something in his stomach, thinking to himself that the stupid butterflies were starting to feel like cutting knives instead. He watched the tall boy walk over to him and give him the coffee, then he leaned down to kissing his head. His cheeks flushed even more, the kind gesture and the kiss making him shy all of a sudden.

He always felt that way when Thomas would flirt with him. He felt shy, wanted to hide his face. But, it was just playful flirting, right? John flirted with him all the time.

_”Hey hot stuff.” John smiled as he walked over to Alexander and kissed his cheek. Alexander smiled, then continued on his conversation with Hercules as John sat next to him and slung his arm around his shoulder._

He thought back to other times John would fake flirt with him. He thought back to how he would feel, what was his reaction? If he had any at all?

The thing was, he didn’t have any reaction.

John was just his friend, and he flirted with him like that just for a reaction.

Why did he feel so different when it was Thomas.

He stared up at the tall boy with a look at Peggy would later gag at and call “googly eyes” and he wrapped his arms around his middle.

”Thanks, Tommy.” he smiled against his chest and Thomas rested his chin on the top of his head. Thomas rubbed his back gently with his thumb and shut his eyes.

”Anytime, angel.” he smirked and Alexander pinched his stomach and pulled back with a glare and a blush. 

“Fuck off.”

”Nah.” Thomas laughed and put his stuff down as Alexander sipped on his coffee. It was black coffee, mainly because they had to sing Seventeen during this rehearsal and Alexander was complaining about how he couldn’t do the climax even though he did it  _perfectly_ the night before on the phone with Thomas. 

Mrs. Reynolds called everybody up in the scenes before and after My Dead Gay son, and they ran the lines along with the song, everybody was giggling slightly throughout the whole thing because this song was everybody’s favorite. Mainly because, well, Kurt and Ram weren’t gay so it was funnier than it needed to be.

Alexander and Thomas stood backstage, preparing for the scene after My Dead Gay son. Alexander was leaning against the wall, Thomas in front of him. “What’s wrong, darlin’?” Thomas questioned and Alexander shrugged and bit his lip.

”What if I crack?” he questioned and crossed his arms. Thomas sighed and he walked over to him and rested his arm on the wall above Alexander’s head and the other hand next to Alexander’s body, pinning him. Alexander’s heart stopped looking up at Thomas who was looking down at him in a way Alexander couldn’t describe.

”You,” Thomas spoke quietly, spoke in a tone that Alexander never heard. He sounded gentle, loving, sweet and soft. “You will be okay. Alright, baby?” He smiled sweetly, almost so sweetly that Alexander felt like he was going to get cavities from his voice alone. Thomas calling him baby was also something totally different. When he said that, he felt so small and mushy and he just wanted to kiss him. He listened to Thomas’ voice. It was smooth, sort of like something melting on your tongue or butter on a pan. Thomas tilted his chin up and he kissed Alexander on the cheek softly, leaving Alexander stunned and blushing. Thomas just smiled and he moved his hands from the wall to his waist. “Come on, they finished the song. Let’s go.” he smiled and pulled away like nothing happened.

Alexander would later scream with Lafayette over the phone over this. 

Alexander and Thomas stepped out onto the stage, already mid argument like they were supposed to be in this scene.

”When does it end?” Alexander questioned, sounding helpless as they stood in the middle of the stage.

”When every asshole is  _dead!”_ Thomas screamed and Alexander shoved him backwards and stood in front of him, huffing out a breath.

” _Fine! We’re damaged, really damaged, but that does not make us wise.”_ He breathed out, emphasizing the words damaged, does, and wise to give more of an effect. “ _We’re not special, we’re not different! We don’t choose who lives or dies! Let’s be normal!” _Alexander cried.  _“See bad movies! Sneak a beer and watch TV..”_

he started to sing. 

“ _We’ll bake brownies, or go bowling. Don’t you want a life with me?”_ Alexander gently tried to grab Thomas’ hand and Thomas pulled away, turning his back towards him. “ _”Can’t we be seventeen? That’s all I want to do.. If you could let me in, I could be good with you.”_ Alexander sang softly, walking towards Thomas, who was sat with his back against the set. He sat next to him and he looked up at the ceiling.

_”People hurt us,”_

**_“or they vanish.”_** Thomas joined in.

” _And you’re rught, that really blows! But we let go,”_

 _**“take a deep** _ _**breath,”** _

_“and go buy some summer clothes.”_ Alexander stood up and he grabbed Thomas’ hands and helped him up as well. He smiled, looking up at him as they continued the song. Alexander held onto his hands, looking into Thomas’ eyes with a look that he knew was genuine. It didn’t even feel like acting anymore. Alexander continued on with the chorus, wrapping his arms around Thomas’ middle and holding tightly onto his back as Thomas held the back of his head.

_”I wanna he with you,”_

**_”wanna be with you,_ ”**

_**”tonight**_ **”** They both belted out at the same time while looking each other deeply in the eyes. As they finished the note, the rest of the cast screamed and clapped and Thomas pulled Alexander so his lips smashed against his own. Alexander tried his best to not act shocked, mostly because this was part of the song. Thomas kissed him deeply, held the sides of his face so gently that it felt so loving. He kissed him with meaning, so much so that Alexander felt it in his chest. He kissed Thomas back with just as much meaning, almost like he was trying to get a message out through kissing him. Alexander pulled away, a string of spit connecting their lips, but he ignored it.

” _yeah,”_ he breathed out.  _“We’re damaged. “_

_**Badly damaged.”** _

_** ”But your love’s too good to lose.”  ** _

“ _Hold me tighter.. **even closer.** I’ll stay if I’m what you choose...”_

_” **Can’t we be seventeeen..”**_

_”If I am what you choose..”_

_**”If we’ve still got the right..”** _

_”‘cause you’re the one I choose..”_

_**”You’re the one I choose..”** _

_** ”You’re the one I choose...”  ** _

They both sang softly and stared at each other with a serious look, and Thomas pulled Alexander into another sweet kiss at the end of the song for “extra effects” he would later say, just to deny that he liked kissing him.

Alexander stood there stunned, wondering  _what the hell happened._

* * *

After rehearsal, Thomas decided he was going to take Alexander home again. Alexander climbed on the back of his bike and held onto him in complete silence, pressing his nose against his jean jacket and taking in the scent. He wanted to kiss his back, but decided against it since they were ‘just friends’. Alexander closed his eyes and Thomas continued to take them towards Alexander’s house. As they approached. Thomas stopped his bike and got off, helping Alexander off.

”I’ll walk you to the door.” he smiled and Alexander looked up at him with a grin. Thomas placed his hand on Alexander’s lower back and walked them up to the door. Alexander turned around once they got in front of the door and he looked up at Thomas. 

Thomas looked hesitant, and Alexander was confused as to why. 

“What’s-“

”Can,” Thomas gulped and ran his hand through his hair and Alexander furrowed his eyebrows. “Can I, um, kiss you, again?” He paused between each word. “I want to practice and like, um, I-“ 

Alexander noticed how pink Thomas’ cheeks were and his own face flushed as well. Thomas wanted to  _kiss him again?_ Alexander looked down and he giggled a bit before tugging his hair behind his ear and looking up again. “I-okay..” he said softly.

Thomas’ cupped Alexander’s cheeks and ran his fingers across them gently. Alexander bit his lip and his eyes fluttered shut, waiting for Thomas to press his lips against his own. He moved his hands to rest on his chest and Thomas leaned down and gently pressed his lips against his own. Alexander felt his hands move from his face down to his waist and Alexander moved his hands to cup the back of Thomas’ neck. Thomas moved his lips slowly, kissing him chastely. Alexander felt the butterflies, that now felt like a flock of wild geese that were released, going around in his stomach, going  _wild._ Alexander tilted his head to the side and kiss him a little bit deeper, Thomas following suit. Alexander felt Thomas slowly moving them so that Alexander was pressed against the door. Alexander slowly stopped kissing him and pulled away, not opening his eyes yet as he rested his forehead against Thomas’ and caught his breath. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart, okay?” Thomas said softly and kissed his head and Alexander nodded and kissed hand. 

“Text me when you get home.” Alexander smiled and watched Thomas get back on his bike and wave goodbye. Alexander unlocked his door and slipped inside, sliding down the door and squealing.

”I saw all of that.” his mom muttered from the living roo. “If you’re gonna make out with your boyfriend, do it somewhere where our neighbors  _can’t_ see.” She joked and Alexander whined and made his way upstairs mumbling “he’s not my boyfriend.” 

* * *

“He  _made out with you in front of your house.”_

Lafayette’s jaw dropped and Alexander looked at him through the screen and nodded. “It was for practice-“

”Practice my ass!” Lafayette snapped, their French accent more thick with annoyance. “He likes you, Alex-“

”He doesn’t!” he whined. “I like him, but he sees me as just a friend-“

”Shut up! He likes you and you know it!” Alexander groaned at Lafayette’s words and decided to ignore them.

”Whatever, just help me with my homework.” he grumbled and rolled his eyes.

Lafayette made a mental note to bring this up when they finally date. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jesus christ i had writers block this took me 827382 years but HERES THIS! I LOVE THIS! ILY GUYS THANKS FOR READING


	9. Who Knows?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas tells James something he probably wasn’t supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey the fluff is over now ahahaha )))): i promise it’s coming back later!  
> *****TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM/IMPLIED SELF HARM. PLEASE SKIP THE PART IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE! I WILL PUT IT IN BOLD ITALICS AND PUT STARS AROUND IT!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GUYS DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELVES! YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU THINK AND YOU DONT DESERVE THE PAIN!!! suicide hotline: (800) 273-825 PLEASE DONT HURT YOURSELVES !!!!!!*****

After Thomas took Alexander home, he rode himself home on his bike. He kept on feeling his lips, feeling tingly and soft and he couldn’t stop his heart from attacking his rib cage.

He kissed Alexander.

Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to anyone else, but he actually  _liked_ Alexander and liked things about him. He liked how he could talk to him like he knew him for years, he liked that Alexander didn’t judge him for whatever he said. He liked that Alexander was very childish and he liked to jump in puddles and enjoyed drinking chocolate milk. He liked that Alexander was very passionate and when he got on a topic that he liked he didn’t stop talking. He liked the bounce in his walk and how he giggled through his words constantly, almost to the point where people couldn’t understand him.

Thomas ran up the stairs as soon as he got into his house. He checked all of the rooms, making sure his father wasn’t home before he headed to his room, shut and locked the door, and FaceTimed James.

As soon as James picked up, he screamed.

”Thomas!” James screamed back and he tugged out his earbuds. “ _Warn me next time, bitch.”_ James rubbed his ear before sticking his earbuds back in his ears and Thomas giggled and flopped on the bed. James raised an eyebrow and he slowly tilted his head.

”Why are you-“

”I kissed Alex- well, for practice, but we  _kissed.”_

James’ eyes widened and suddenly his eyebrows shot up so far they hit his eyebrows. “R-repeat that?” James breathed out and his lips curled into a smile. “You said your kissed Alexan-“

“I kissed Alexander!” He screamed and he flopped back onto the bed. “And he kissed me back, I took him home and we kissed at his door.” he squealed and he covered his face to hide his blush. Thomas felt butterflies in his stomach and he couldn’t stop the smile on his face from growing. Though it was just for practice, he still did kiss his crush. 

His crush.

His  _crush._

Thomas didn’t know when he started thinking of Alexander as Alexander, or even as his crush. He didn’t know when he started thinking of him as cute, or pretty, or sweet, talented, or even interesting in that sense. Maybe it was when he let Thomas into his house in the middle of the night. Or when he told him his biggest secrets. Thomas smiled looking up at the ceiling.

”He trusts me, James, actually.” Thomas spoke softly and he shut his eyes, feeling dreamy. “He tells me a lot, he told me his biggest secret, he told me things he doesn’t even tell Lafayette.” he looked at James and his mouth twisted into a frown. 

“There’s some things that worry me, and things that I feel like I shouldn’t know that he was forced to tell me..” he trailed off and he looked off to the side.

James cocked his eyebrow but decided to ignore it, and just continue to question Thomas about his little crush on Alexander. 

“How would dating him work?” James questioned. “He’s very short, how would you kiss him? And why is he so small? Should 17 year old boys be 5’3? Is that okay?” James wondered aloud. Thomas sighed and he looked to the side, feeling nervous. 

Should he tell James? He was having an internal debate in his head. Alexander told Thomas what he did because he trusted him, and trusted he wouldn’t hurt him. However, he knew James wouldn’t do anything bad with the information. It was sort of something pertinent, and he could trust James. 

”I-Um, James?” Thomas paused before breathing in. “He’s-he’s trans-“

”He’s-“

”Yeah.”

”Oh.” 

That was all James said. Thomas looked down. He knew James didn’t exactly understand the LGBT+ community. When Thomas came out as gay, James was genuinely confused about it. His parents kept him very sheltered throughout his whole life, so he wasn’t exposed to things such as this. However, he was very open to it. If Thomas explained it, he’d understand. 

That’s why James was still his best friend.

He hoped he’d be okay with this.

* * *

 

Thomas woke the next day to no texts from Alexander, no hello from Alexander, he didn’t even see him before his first period. He was shocked, mostly because Alexander always said hi to him before his classes. He didn’t think much of it, maybe he was running late or he was busy that morning. Thomas tried to push away the thoughts, convincing himself that Alexander was fine.

He’d see him later.

And so he did, at lunch.

But he heard somebody call him something else.

Thomas caught a glimpse all the way from across the cafeteria. Alexander looked as if he was yelling, he was getting up into John Adams’ face. Adams looked as if he was taunting Alexander, who was preparing to fight. Thomas saw out of the corner of his eye that Lafayette was holding Alexander back but Alexander hit them and shoved John Adams back. 

Thomas took off.

He ran all the way across the cafeteria and towards Alexander, John, and Lafayette. He shoved John and Lafayette out of the way and grabbed Alexander’s arm ever so gently and tugged him away and looked down at him with concern.

”What’s wrong? Why are you hitting him?” Thomas questioned and went to cup his cheek. “Are you hurt? Did he touch you?” concern laced his voice and he stared at Alexander’s angry face with worry.

”Fuck you.” Alexander spat and he breathed out harshly. “Fuck you, there’s no other way he would’ve known.” Alexander snarled and he turned around sharply on his heel. Thomas looked at him in confusion and his heart started beating fast.

What did he do? Had he done something wrong? Did he hurt him, what did he say? Thomas’ brain was running a mile a minute as he racked his brain for the reasons Alexander could ever be angry with him. Well, there were many reasons he could be angry with him. But at the current moment, none.

Thomas thought for a few more seconds.

_Wait._

Thomas paused for a second before he remembered.

_He told James._

Thomas face palmed and he groaned, now realizing that James probably told Adams and Adams may have -

“Where did Lauren go?” Adams questioned as he walked up to Thomas with a smirk.

”John Laurens?” Thomas questioned, tilting his head.

”no,” Adams smirked. “Lauren Hamilton.”

Thomas stopped in his tracks and slowly turned his head towards Adams. His breath quickened and he found himself shoving him up against the wall and pinning him with his arm. He could faintly register people chanting  _fight fight fight!_ and screaming  _holy shit_ behind him, but he didn’t care.

”Don’t you  _dare_ call Alex that.” Thomas growled. “You don’t know the shit he’s been through, and that’s not who he is, d-“

All Adams did was laugh. “Stop trying to protect your tranny girlfriend-“

”He’s a boy!” Thomas snapped and he slapped Adams across the face with the back of his hand. “And don’t fucking call him a tranny!” He growled and moved his arm to properly grip his throat. “Who told you?” 

Adams didn’t answer, just shrugged and he grabbed Thomas’ wrist and dug his fingernails into it. Thomas hissed and pulled his hand back, shaking off his hand.

”Why don’t you ask your best friend, who’s horrible at keeping your secrets?” Adams scoffed and he rolled his eyes, sauntering away. Thomas was left stunned, standing in his place. He stood there for a few minutes, suddenly feeling guilt rush through his veins. How was Alexander feeling? He probably feels lied to, betrayed, he probably thinks he can never trust Thomas again.

That wasn’t true. He needed to apologize, explain, hug him, hold him, something,  _anything._

He needed to find Alexander.

* * *

Alexander was already on his way home. After coming to school in the morning and dealing with George Frederick taunting him and calling him Lauren Hamilton instead of Alexander, being called a tranny, being called a girl, having Adams snicker at him and try to touch him, he decided he was done for the day.

He didn’t care, he’d only be missing two classes and he was sure that his AP United States history teacher would let him off easy because he was the top student in the class.

Alexander rushed his way out of the building, and rushed his way through the streets. He felt panic arising in his stomach, he felt like somebody was going to grab him, to call him a tranny and he felt like they’d hurt him, much like Adams tried to do.

Somebody walking behind him moved to get in front of him.

_Flinch._

A lady gently tapped him to say excuse me.

_Jump._

Somebody bumped into him and said sorry.

_Shake._

_They’re going to hurt me, they’re going to know, they’re going to touch me, they’re going to slap me._

_You’re such a girl, you’re such a girl, only girls are this scared, you’re such a girl, such a girl._

_Suchagirl. suchagirl. suchagirl._

The thoughts rang through his ears and by the time he got to his house and unlocked the door, he was on the ground bawling and screaming, gripping at his hair. He felt his heart beating fast, he started to hyperventilate and shake violently.

Alexander started to cry, sobs shook through his whole body. He whimpered and tugged even harder at his hair, slowly moving to get up.

Alexander felt himself crying so hard that he began to wretch. He tried his best to run up the stairs, registering that he had made it to the bathroom and he sat down in front of the toilet and all of the contents in his stomach filled the bowl.

Alexander continued to sob as he flushed the toilet and stood up. He looked at himself in the mirror after rinsing his mouth 

Alexander slowly sank to the ground on his knees and with a shaky hand, he reached into the drawer under the sink. 

**_**_ **

**_He found his blade underneath the bottle of shaving cream in the drawer. Alexander let out a shaky sob and he coughed violently, feeling his rib cage rattle. His binder was suffocating him, but he couldn’t bring himself to take it off._ **

**_”I hate you.” he whispered to himself. Alexander moved to pull his jeans down, wincing when they grazed his thighs. He whimpered as he dragged the blade across his thigh, sobbing as he did so._ **

**_Alexander bit down on his lip as he dragged the blade across his thigh, spelling something out._ **

**_G_ **

**_I_ **

**_R_ **

**_L._ **

**_****_ **

A simple reminder that he would never be a boy.

He would always be Lauren Hamilton to everybody.

Alexander felt his brain slow down, beginning to feel the effects of a panic attack.

Shutting down.

He sunk down and laid down on the ground.

Sleep.

* * *

”Alexander!  _Alexander!”_

George’s voice boomed through the house as he and Martha looked for Alexander. He rushed home after Lafayette called him. He was scared, worried Alexander was hurt. He ran up the stairs, turning into the bathroom to find his only son on the ground with blood covering his thighs. His heart sunk into his stomach and he shook him violently screaming at him to wake up, feeling a sob shake through his body.

Marths sat on the other side of Alexander, stroking his hair and coaxing him awake as she saw his eyes open. Alexander blinked, looking at the ceiling instead of at his parents.

”Alex, baby?” George whispered as he dragged his thumb down his cheek gently. “Why did you do this?” he asked with a shaky breath. “Why would you do this- Why-“

”George.” Martha mumbled and she put her hand out. “Stop, he just had a panic attack and he’s not in the right state to answer questions.” she explained, trying to hide how disheveled she was. She suppressed the sob that was bubbling up in her throat as she helped Alexander to his feet.

”Can you bathe on your own?” Martha questioned and Alexander just looked at her and blinked.

She took that as a no.

”George, hun, leave for a bit. I’m going to help him.” 

George nodded and turned without a question. Martha shut and locked the door and sighed, looking down at Alexander.

”Arms up.” she gently ordered. Alexander lifted his arms up. Martha lifted his shirt off of his body and took his binder off of his body. 

“I can do it.” he whispered and she looked at him with concern.

”You sure?”

He nodded. 

She sighed and made him sit down on the sink so she could wipe down his thighs and he winced every few seconds and gripped at her arm. She let him go and left the bathroom, leaving the door a crack open in case he needed her.

”I’ll be in my room if you need anything, okay honey?” she smiled. 

Alexander nodded and he went into the shower to start the water.

He held one arm over his chest, refusing to look down at himself. He washed his body with one arm and he let the water cascade down his back and in his hair.

His little “nap”, his body felt calm, but he was really upset now. Why would Thomas tell somebody? How  _could_ he?

Alexander trusted him with one of the biggest secrets in his life. He trusted him to not out him until he was ready, and he thought he would respect that.

Apparently he didn’t.

Alexander decided never to accept his apology. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so sorry for this it hurts. okay guys please please never hurt yourselves and FUCKING PLEASE don’t resort to suicide or self harm when you’re feeling depressed. talk to someone! call a hotline! i love y’all so much. stay safe.


	10. Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas admits to Eliza that he likes Alex.  
> Thomas gets hit.  
> Thomas ends up at Alexander’s house again.  
> Feelings are shared.  
> A lot of crying.  
> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE IN THIS CHAPTER ILL WRITE IT IN ITALICS SO ITS EASIER TO SKIP*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m falling asleep hey bbys i almost broke my leg at rehearsal

Thomas was looking  _everywhere_ for Alexander. He couldn’t find him.

_Where could he be? Where would Alexander go? Library? No. Music room? No._

Thomas tried to put himself in Alexander’s shoes. How would he be feeling right now.

 _Fuck._ Thomas thought. Alexander probably felt so betrayed right now. He probably didn’t trust Thomas anymore. 

That broke Thomas’ heart. Thomas had already admitted to himself and his friends that he had feelings for Alexander. He knew Alexander didn’t like him back, or so he thought, but now that was completely ruined. Alexander probably hated him and never wanted to see him again.

Right now, that was how Thomas felt about James. He thought he could trust him with this information, believed he wouldn’t tell anybody. Thomas stomped right up to James and looked at him with pure anger. 

“Thom-“

”How  _fucking dare you?_ ” Thomas snarled and James went to speak, went to apologize. Thomas didn’t want to hear it. “Tell Alexander you’re sorry, but I don’t want to hear a sorry from you. Fuck you.” Thomas grumbled. “You outed me first, back in freshman year when I wasn’t ready, and now Alex?!” Thomas squealed. “Fuck you, James.” he stated simply before he turned on his heel and rushed out of the building.

He was ending the period after, anyways. His teacher wouldn’t care.

Thomas got on his bike and he rode it all the way back home.

Thomas slammed his door and he ran upstairs, not even caring if his father was home. Eliza ended early that day, since her last period was gym and that day she had lunch instead. Thomas sat at his desk and he opened his laptop, clicking on FaceTime and calling Eliza. Thomas felt like he was about to cry, he felt a weird lump in his throat and he couldn’t push it down. As soon as Eliza picked up, he took a breath and immediately started to cry.

”Thomas,” Eliza breathed out fast and her eyes widened as she began to panic. “Thomas, honey, what’s wrong? Talk to me, breathe, please.” she spoke fast and she reached to untangle her earbuds. “What’s wrong? Did your dad hurt you? Are you okay? Where are you-“

”No!” Thomas cried and he covered his face with his hands. “I fucked up, I fucked up  _so bad.”_

Eliza stared at him with concern before opening her mouth to speak- but she was cut off.

”I hurt Alex.”

Eliza’s jaw dropped a bit and she ran her fingers through her hair. Thomas felt the guilt bubbling in his chest and the tears start to form even more as they threatened to spill faster. He felt so horrible, he couldn’t even describe it.

”I like Alex, Liza. I like him a whole lot, and I might’ve just ruined this whole thing for myself.” Thomas whimpered and he covered his face with his hands. “I-I told James that he’s trans and-and James told John Adams and-“

”Thomas..” Eliza sighed and she rubbed her temples. “I want to console you, I really do, and I’m not mad at you, but that just wasn’t the right thing to do.” she explained. “When..” she trailed off. “When did you realize you liked him?” she questioned, tilting her head to the side. 

Thomas thought for a second. He didn’t even  _know_ when he started to like him. He couldn’t pinpoint an actual moment when he was like ‘Damn, I like him’. There were just moments leading up to it, and he woke up one day and it hit him like a ton of bricks. He just knew. He looked at him that same day and he was dazed. It happened slowly, but it also hit him all at once.

He fell fast.

His heart wrenched at the thought that he ruined whatever he and Alexander could’ve had because he was stupid.

”It kind of just hit me a few days after I slept at his house. We were telling each other secrets and holding each other and a few days later I just...” he trailed off and despite the tears in his eyes, he smiled. “I realized I liked him.” he whispered and he looked up at Eliza. “I like him a lot, Eliza, I-“

Thomas’ door slammed open.

Thomas’ eyes widened and he quickly clicked on the end button on his laptop and turned towards the door, seeing his father standing there with an angry look on his face. Thomas gulped, immediately regretting not checking if his father was home. 

“Dad I-“

”You like a boy?” Peter questioned, his voice quiet at first. Thomas felt his heart rate speed up, feeling fear in his stomach. He stared at him, confused. If he was gay, it obviously meant that he liked boys.

”Dad, I’m gay.” Thomas breathed out, trying his best to not be rude. “I like boys, dad. I like a boy, and I’m sorry but that’s how it’s going to be.”

Peter stepped forward and he looked at Thomas with this look, one that Thomas couldn’t quite comprehend. He could practically feel the anger radiating off of his father and he stood up and tried to move backwards, trying to think of a way to redeem himself. His heart was beating faster with every step his father took closer to him.

_”I’m sorry, sir-“_

_”Don’t apologize.” Peter growled as he kept on backing Thomas up until he hit the wall. “You,” he jabbed his finger into his chest. Thomas flinched, turning his head away. Peter turned his head with his finger, then slapped him._

_Thomas gasped and he put his hand up to his face. “I’m sorry, dad, I-“_

_”No!” Peter growled. “How dare you? You love him? That is disgusting.” he huffed and Thomas tried to move out from in front of him and go to the bathroom to hide, but Peter grabbed him by the shirt. Thomas gasped, suddenly feeling more scared than before. He tried to hide his face, but Peter grabbed his wrist and Thomas cried out._

_He wondered when it would end, wondered when his mother would get home from work to stop this or when his siblings would come home._

_”Do I have to beat it into you for you to understand?” Peter questioned and Thomas shook his head violently, tears threatening to spill._

_“Please, please, sir..” Thomas cried and he shook his head violently. Thomas squeezed his eyes shut, hoping this would end soon, hoping it’d all be over and he could run and go to see Alexander or James or John. Peter gripped Thomas’ wrist harder and Thomas just shut his eyes and took whatever was coming to him._

* * *

Thomas was waiting for hours. He pretended to be asleep when his little sister came to call him down for dinner. Thomas was still crying even hours after the whole encounter with his father. Why was he considered a fuck up? Why was being gay such a bad thing? His mother didn’t care, why did he father care? Why did he hit him every single time he brought up a boy? Thomas felt like a fuck up, he felt like he let his father down. He wanted to make him proud, make him happy, but he would be losing a piece of himself. He couldn’t force himself to like girls if he just didn’t like girls. Thomas felt his heart crack at the thought of never being able to be with somebody he truly loved. He didn’t want to hurt somebody else just because he didn’t trulu love them and he just needed to put on an act for his father.

He didn’t want to think about that, he just wanted to get through this. At around 11 pm, when he was sure everybody was in bed and asleep, he climbed through his window and onto the roof. Thomas winced from the pressure being put on his arm, mostly because his father hurt that arm more than once. Thomas huffed and shook himself out before beginning to walk. Thomas slid his phone out of his back pocket, unlocking it.

**To booboo:**

**alex are you awake**

No reply.

Thomas decided to go anyways.

Thomas rubbed his eyes and he rushed to his backyard, grabbing his bike keys from his jacket pocket and starting up his bike. He manually backed it up instead of driving it out of the driveway. Thomas bit his lip, the conflicting thoughts he got were trying to steer him away. But he just went. Thomas hopped on his bike and he rode it all the way to Alexander’s house. Thomas didn’t even bother to put on his helmet, he didn’t even care about himself right now. Though he had cuts on his face and bruises on his arms, he couldn’t bring himself to care. He knew Alexander would yell at him for going out in this condition, chew him out for not calling him as soon as everything happened. He knew Alexander would lecture him about how he needed to “put himself first” or whatever. Thomas would scoff, but he knew Alexander was right. He should care about himself more, but he didn’t.

Thomas parked the bike in Alexander’s yard, taking a deep breath as he crouched down to pick up some small pebbles. Thomas winded his arm back and began to toss them at his window, hoping that Alexander would come. He bit his lip nervously. After 5 minutes of pebbles, Alexander still didn’t come open the window. Thomas felt regret fill his stomach, he felt disappointed. His shoulder slumped and he went to turn away. 

“Jefferson.” 

Thomas turned around at the call of his name and he looked up at Alexander’s window.

”Alex-“

”I’m coming down.” Alexander huffed and Thomas’ breath hitched. He didn’t know what to think at that point. He knew Alexander was still angry, he knew that Alexander wouldn’t forgive him right away, but it was worth a shot. Thomas made his way to Alexander’s front door, rubbing his arms as he shivered from the cold due to the fact that he forgot to put something on. The door opened up and Alexander was standing there. He was wearing sweatpants and his choir hoodie, looking totally bundled and warm. Alexander took one glance at Thomas in the moonlight and hissed as he saw the cuts on his face. “Let’s get you cleaned up, then we can talk.” Alexander whispered and he stepped aside so Thomas could come in. Thomas felt his heart pounding at Alexander’s calm attitude. He expected him to slap him and turn him away. He noticed that wasn’t the case as Alexander bolted the door and led him up the stairs and into the bathroom. 

Alexander put down the top of the toilet and instructed Thomas to sit after he grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink with some rubbing alcohol. Thomas watched him intently, his heart swelling at how caring he was. He bit his lip and looked down, suddenly feeling guilty over betraying him again. How could he hurt Alexander? Sweet, loving, kind Alexander? Sure, he was a hot head and he was feisty, but he was the sweetest boy when you got to know him. Thomas couldn’t believe himself. Alexander trusted him, and he-

“It’s going to burn, hold onto me.” 

Thomas didn’t bother to clean up the cuts on his face or his arms, he just kind of left them and pretended he was asleep to avoid any other conversation with his father. He noticed one of them was still bleeding a bit. Alexander swiftly moved so that he was sitting on Thomas’ lap, straddling him so that he could get a closer look at his face. Alexander sighed as he dabbed at the cuts on his cheek.

”You didn’t fight Adams, I hope.” Alexander joked, trying to lighten the mood. Thomas went to speak, but no words came out.

_Alexander wasn’t mad?_

Thomas shook his head, his curls flailing about as he did so. Alexander cracked a small smile and continued to wipe his face and put neosporin on his cuts. “I’m not angry at you, I’m sorry if you thought so.” he explained quietly. “Just.. confused as to why you told Adams-“

”No no no!” Thomas whisper yelled and he moved his hand to grip Alexander’s hip ever so gently. “I told  _James, not Adams._ ”

Alexander paused for a second and he tilted his head.

”Jame-“

”I said don’t tell anyone, but he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and-“

Alexander put his hand up and he leaned in to kiss his forehead. “You’re fine. I’m not angry at you, I am at James and Adams. Thank you for coming here to tell me, though.” Alexander mumbled against his head, causing Thomas to flush a shade of pink. 

“I’m sorry, I hope you didn’t lose your trust in me.”

Alexander shrugged and continued to wipe off his arms next. “Just a bit, but it’ll come back, I’m sure.” Alexander whispered softly and stroked Thomas’ bicep with his hand. Alexander furrowed his eyebrows and he slowly looked up to meet Thomas’ gaze. “Care to explain why you’re bruised up, baby? You can’t scare me like that.” Alexander whispered softly, his brain to mouth filter completely gone due to his sleep deprivation since he rarely ever slept anyways. Thomas’ stomach erupted in butterflies at the name, but they stopped when he realized he had to explain that his father was beating him again.

Thomas hesitated before speaking. “D-dad..” he tried to get out, but he began to feel choked up. He didn’t want to think about the events of earlier, didn’t want to think about how his father screamed in his face and called him the F slur and told him he was a disgrace to the family. It hurt too much.

Alexander shushed him and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him so his face was buried against Alexander’s neck. Alexander gently tangled his fingers in Thomas’ hair, stroking and gently pulling at pieces. “You’re okay now, you’re safe, baby.” Thomas couldn’t hold it in anymore - he was feeling overwhelmed because he didn’t tell anybody about how badly his dad hit him today. He started to softly cry and Alexander just rested his chin on top of his head and rubbed his back. “Let it out, you’re alright.” he whispered softly and Thomas wrapped his arms around his waist and held him tightly. He let out soft sobs, trying his best to stay silent because Alexander’s parents were asleep. Thomas kept his face buried in Alexander’s neck, crying softly as Alexander stroked his head and the back of his neck. 

In that moment, Thomas sat there and he felt safe. He decided that this was where he felt safe; he didn’t want to be home, didn’t want to be anywhere else. He wanted to be with Alexander.

That’s where he felt truly at home. 

He didn’t feel like a disappointment, didn’t feel like a bad person. He felt loved, accepted, trusted, he felt like he could trust. He didn’t feel like that at home, only when he was at home alone with his mom and siblings, which was close to never. 

He was happy here.

Thomas felt the hand carding through his hair pull away and Alexander stand up and get off of his lap. Thomas looked up at him confused when he stuck out his hand and Alexander gave him a sad smile. “Let’s go lay down.” he whispered softly. Thomas got up and he followed Alexander out of the bathroom, turning off the light as they tiptoed into Alexander’s room and locked the door.

Alexander looked up at Thomas when they got into the room, and Thomas gave him a smile back. “Thank you for not being upset with me, and letting me in.” Thomas whispered and pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. Alexander smiled sheepishly as Thomas cupped his cheek and he turned his face slightly to kiss his palm.

“I wouldn’t be that great of a friend if I didn’t, would I?” he questioned playfully and Thomas rolled his eyes and leaned down to press his forehead against Alexander’s, hesitating a bit before he did so. He was wondering to himself if he should just tell him now, or just wait and tell him after the show was over. He didn’t know when was the better option.

Alexander bit his lip and looked up at Thomas, who’s hand was coming up to cup his other cheek. “Thomas?” Alexander questioned in a hushed voice as he looked up at him. His voice sounded a bit raspy, and it was making Thomas go insane. Alexander put his hands on top of Thomas’, moving them to hold his wrists ever so gently and stroke them with his thumbs.

Thomas didn’t say anything, he just leaned in slowly and kissed the corner of his mouth. Thomas felt Alexander freeze in his place, and he noticed the heat rushing to Alexander’s face since his hands were there. He pulled back, examining the way Alexander’s face looked with the moonlight spilling across it, creating beautiful shadows. Being so close, Thomas noticed his eye bags and how they were more prominent with the amount of rehearsals they had and his lack of sleep. He noticed Alexander’s dimple, how he had random moles and beauty marks, and even a small scar on his forehead. A smile played on Alexander’s lips as Thomas admired him and he grabbed Thomas by the front of his shirt. Thomas’ breath caught in his throat and he looked down at Alexander with his lips parted. Alexander pulled him down and moved his hand to the back of his neck.

”Fucking kiss me, you idiot.” 

With that, Thomas pulled Alexander close and he pressed his lips against his. Alexander moved his other hand to the back of his neck and Thomas moved his to hold Alexander by the waist. Thomas moved his lips against Alexander’s slowly, and at the same time walked backwards so that he fell backwards on the bed with Alexander on top of him. Thomas felt Alexander smile against his lips and Thomas took that opportunity to lean in and tilt his head, taking Alexander’s lip between his teeth and tugging it softly. Alexander let out a soft sound that made Thomas’ stomach erupt in butterflies. Thomas pulled back slowly and Alexander was already looking at him when he opened his eyes. Alexander leaned back in and pressed soft kisses against his cheek and his jaw, rubbing his nose against it.

”Y’know,” Alexander cleared his throat, sitting up on Thomas’ stomach. Thomas’ breath hitched seeing Alexander from this angle, even though he’d seen it many times from rehearsing dead girl walking. It was different, though. Now he meant it, he wasn’t acting. “You could’ve kissed me so long ago, and we wouldn’t have to have hated each other.” Alexander rolled his eyes playfully and Thomas laughed and rested his hands softly on Alexander’s thighs, not moving them. Alexander leaned back down and he pressed a few kisses down Thomas’ neck and he laid down on top of him, pressing his nose against his neck.

Thomas wrapped his arms around his small body, gently running his fingers up and down his spine. Alexander yawned softly and he shut his eyes, which Thomas’ heart melted at even though it was such a small act. “Alex, sugar,” Thomas nudged him and Alexander cracked one eye open. “Come, let’s lay down properly and go to bed, honey.” Thomas saw Alexander’s cheeks turn pink at the pet names and Thomas grinned, feeling satisfied. They both got up and moved so their heads were on the pillows - well, Alexander’s head was on Thomas’ chest and Thomas’ was on the pillow. Alexander stroked Thomas’ chest with a finger, drawing shapes in it.

”If you ever need to be somewhere safe, come here.” Alexander whispered quietly. “I don’t want you getting hurt anymore, baby.” Alexander looked up and Thomas and threw his arm over his torso. Thomas looked down at Alexander, noticing the worry in his eyes. Thomas leaned down and he tilted Alexander’s chin with a finger. 

“I feel safest with you, if you’re there I’ll be okay.” Thomas whispered and he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Alexander smiled against his lips and he moved so that he was laying down again. 

“night, my prince.” Thomas whispered and he stroked his hair softly. Alexander hummed a soft goodnight in response and within minutes, he was asleep. 

Thomas stared down at him, his eyes lidded as he smiled at Alexander. As the boy softly breathed against his chest, he concluded that this was where he always wanted to be. He felt secure when he was around Alexander. He felt warm, welcomed. He felt loved, he felt like he could be himself. 

Alexander was his home, and there was no going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow hi this was all over the place i’m sorry for the late update i’ve been so so busy with newsies rehearsals and shit ); i’m so sorry but i hope this is okay i love u all  
> also  
> alex: i wont accept his apology  
> also alex: KISS ME YOU FUCKING BITCH


	11. Where’s Thomas?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas doesn’t show up to rehearsal for three days straight.  
> Alexander is convinced it’s because of his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys i’m tired  
> also ik george was president but i made him secretary of state here don’t ask why it made sense in my brain

After the night they spent together, Alexander and Thomas has been very physically affectionate. When Thomas would pick him up in the mornings, he would kiss him on the lips and they would have to  _physically_ be pulled apart by their friends to go to class. Alexander began to spend more time around him and also being him around his friends more, which they didn’t mind because they loved him anyways. 

Alexander and all of his friends were waiting for first period to start, sitting in the cafeteria and talking. He was sitting on Thomas’ lap and playing with his fingers as Hercules made stupid jokes that made all of them laugh. 

“You’re so pretty, wanna take a ride on my tractor?” Hercules said in a dumb southern accent that made Alexander almost  _spit_ his water all over him. Thomas whined and he kicked Hercules under the table.

“That’s not what Virginians sound like!” Thomas mumbled and he pushed his face against Alexander’s back. Alexander snorted and he muttered “okay, Thomas, sure.” under his breath.

”You would probably want to get serenaded with a banjo, you Southern-“ John started before Lafayette slammed their hand against the table with a laugh. 

“You are from South Carolina, you fuck!” 

John’s jaw dropped and he started laughing even harder and Alexander got off of Thomas’ lap and reached into his bag for a pencil.

”This is what John looks like.” He cleared his throat and he put his pencil in his mouth, mimicking a piece of wheat. John covered his face and at this point, Peggy was crying from the stupidity surrounding her.

”I hate y’all.” Thomas grumbled, trying to sound angry.

”Howdy, y’all.” Peggy wheezed out and Eliza slapped her arm.

”Fuck off, Peg.” Eliza giggled and Thomas rubbed his temples. 

“Thomas is the cowboy emoji.” John smirked and went to go continue his sentence, before the first period bell rang. The group groaned before they all got up and grabbed their bags, walking out together. Alexander let out a disappointed sigh and intertwined his hand with Thomas’. 

Alexander looked up at Thomas, who was already looking at him with a grin. He felt his cheeks heat up, even though absolutely nothing happened. “Are you coming to rehearsal later? We’re fixing the blocking for the last scene and dancing.” Alexander explained as Thomas swung their hands back and forth. Thomas bit his lip and looked down, causing Alexander to look at him in confusion. 

“What’s wrong, bab-“

”Dad wants me to do something, ‘sall.” he spoke hurriedly, almost like he wanted to drop the topic and not speak about it. “I’ll come tomorrow, kay babe?” he gave Alexander a nervous smile, which made Alexander raise a brow.

”What are you hiding?” Alexander deadpanned as he stood in front of him with his arms crossed. Alexander saw how genuinely stressed Thomas looked after a few minutes of worried questions. He was just worried his dad was going to hit him again, or something, or that they were fighting. “Be careful, please? I’ll see you at lunch.” Alexander sighed and he got up on his toes to kiss Thomas, who smiled and sighed into it as he kissed him back.

”Yeah, I’ll see you, darling.” 

* * *

Thomas didn’t show up to rehearsal that day, just as expected. 

Alexander texted his phone, he didn’t respond. He furrowed his brow, beginning to worry, but he reminded himself that Thomas said there was nothing to worry about. The phrase and Thomas’ suspicious actions left a bad taste in his mouth, but he believed his -

Boyfriend? Friend? With benefits?

Whatever that didn’t matter. 

\- he believed Thomas. He slid his phone into his bag and he walked up onto the stage so that they could fix the blocking on the scene. The entire time, all that was on his mind was Thomas. Was he okay? Was he crying? Hurt? He hoped that he wasn’t fighting with his father. That was the last thing he wanted.

* * *

The next day, Thomas didn’t show up at school, therefore he wasn’t at rehearsal either. Alexander tried to call his phone in between classes, but the calls wouldn’t go through. He was starting to get worried, scared that maybe his phone broke and he wouldn’t be able to alert him or John if he needed help. Alexander swallowed the lump in his throat as rehearsal began for the second day that week. Everybody tried to speak to him, but his anxiety was so bad that he couldn’t even bring himself to talk. Aaron ended up driving him home and coming over as well, just so that they could talk things over.

”What’s wrong, dude?” Aaron questioned as soon as they made it up to Alexander’s room. He felt his heart racing, not even being able to describe the worry he felt for Thomas.

Alexander opened his mouth to speak but he stopped as he felt the lump in his throat again. 

“Thomas.. h-he..” he trailed off and he looked at Aaron with fear. “His dad.. he’s a-abusive.. a-and..” his voice got higher, signaling tears and Aaron rushes over to him and sat next to Alexander, wrapping an arm around him. Alexander inhaled sharply before he pushed his face against Aaron’s arm. “He got into a fight with his dad about b-being gay and being in the musical a-and I’m scared that he’s being hurt..” he exhaled and as soon as he did he started to cry. “What if he’s being hit?” Alexander asked in a panicked voice. “What if he’s being hurt and I can’t help?” Alexander felt a pang in his chest thinking about the last time Thomas showed up with cuts and bruises all over his body and how badly it hurt him, how much it scared him.

He couldn’t protect him, and that’s what sucked.

Alexander just wanted to be there for him and he couldn’t, and  _that’s_ what scared him.

”Maybe he’ll show up tomorrow, Alex.” Aaron reassured and rubbed his arm slowly. He dragged his fingers down his spine in a way that he knew comforted Alexander and moved his hand up to his hair and gently dragged his nails along his scalp, trying to get him to relax.

 _Yeah,_ Alexander thought.  _Maybe._

* * *

He didn’t show up. 

Alexander felt even more anxious now that Thomas didn’t show up, so he decided to skip practice as well.

With permission from their director, Alexander left school and started on the walk to Thomas’ house. He had called him a few times, the call going straight to voicemail. Alexander tried his best to calm his nerves so that he didn’t panic when he got there. Alexander began to run, trying to get there as fast as possible.

Alexander had a million thoughts racing through his brain as he ran his way up Thomas’ front steps and breathed harshly, his binder constricting his breath.

”Here goes nothing.” he muttered to himself as he took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Alexander clenched his fist, awaiting the sinking feeling of his father opening the door.

The door creaked open.

” _Alexander..”_ The voice breathed.

Alexander looked up and to his surprise, Thomas was standing there. His anxiety immediately melted away and he jumped up and wrapped his arms around Thomas’ neck.

”You  _idiot!”_ Alexander exclaimed and Thomas wrapped his arms around Alexander’s tiny body. “Where were you? Why wouldn’t you answer me? I was worried  _sick!”_ Alexander breathed out and he pulled away from the hug and took Thomas’ face in his hands. He examined his face for any bruises, his heart cracking when he saw a cut on his lip and a bruise on his cheek. Alexander’s heart sunk into his stomach and his features softened, the feeling of anxiety immediately rushed its way back into his system.

”Baby.. Why didn’t you call me?” He breathed out and saw as Thomas’ face scrunched up in fear.

”Dad took my phone.. U-um, Alex..” Thomas trailed off and he took Alexander’s hands in his own. Alexander looked up at him with fear, squeezing his hands.

”Thomas, baby-“

”He’s home, and I think you should go, I’ll find a way to call-“

”Thomas!”

A loud booming voice came from inside of the house that caused Alexander and Thomas to jump apart. Alexander tip toed to peek over Thomas’ shoulder, catching a glimpse of Peter Jefferson behind him.

The memories suddenly flooded back, Peter cursing George out for adopting a child, having a transgender son, in general being a “disgrace” of an American for supporting Alexander.

Alexander clenched his fist and gritted his teeth, his fingernails biting into his hands as Peter shoved Thomas out of the way. Alexander looked up at Peter Jefferson with fear in his eyes, but he tried his best not to show it.

”M-mr. Jefferson.” Alexander greeted and cleared his throat. “I-I’m George Washington’s-“

”Daughter, yes.” Peter cut him off and went to shake his hand. Alexander felt a pang in his chest, but he ignored it for Thomas’ sake. He had to be strong for him right now. “Lauren, how are you?” Peter cleared his throat and Alexander gave him a tight lipped smile and shook his hand back.

”Fine, sir.” he lied and he flashed Thomas a look, who was looking at him fearfully. “I came to ask why Thomas wasn’t at rehearsal, we need him there.” He picked his words carefully, and spoke nervously. He didn’t want Peter to know that he was worried about him, mostly because he didn’t want him to hit Thomas for being gay and having another boy worry about him.

Thomas cleared his throat and Peter turned back and looked at him. “Alex, I’ll be at rehearsal tomorrow, I promise.” he glared at his father, and Alexander stared at him, dumbfounded.  _Thomas stood up to him?_ Alexander shot him a quick grin and nodded, going to turn around.

”Alex!” Thomas called and he turned back around, looking at Thomas in confusion. Thomas looked at his father and he sighed. “Can I have a minute to talk to him, please?” He questioned, but it sounded more like he was begging. Peter pondered for a moment before going back into the living room and leaving Thomas and Alexander alone. Thomas sighed in relief and pulled the door shut and Alexander looked up at him nervously.

”Tho-“

Alexander was cut off by a pair of warm lips on his own and hands cupping his cheeks firmly but almost lovingly.

”Just,” Thomas mumbled against his lips. “Just shut up a bit, would you?” He laughed and Alexander huffed against his lips, but kissed him back anyways. Alexander moved his hands to hold Thomas at the waist and he pulled away slowly and looked up at him. Alexander’s eyes fell on the bruise on his cheek again and he reached up to stroke it, Thomas’ hand covering his own. The fear of Thomas getting hit again suddenly returned and he felt sick to his stomach, his chest filled with pain and his brain was clouded with negativity.

”Please.” Alexander begged softly, feeling tears brimming in his eyes. “Please, call me later, I can have my dad pick you up, and-“

” _baby boy.”_ Thomas cut Alexander off with his thumb to his lips. Alexander kissed his finger and held onto his hand with both of his own. “I’m going to find a way out of this, okay?”

Alexander held Thomas’ hand to his mouth and he pressed a slow kiss to it.

”Okay.”

 _I love you,_ Alexander thought. He wouldn’t say it now, there was too much going on for him to just drop that on Thomas.

”I’ll call you later, I have ways.” Thomas spoke hurriedly. “You should get home, I’ll see you tomorrow. I promise.” Thomas reassured and Alexander nodded and pecked his cheek. He turned around on his heel without another word.

He had to help Thomas out of this. 

“ _Mother! Father! Washington Parents!”_ Alexander yelled as soon as he got into his house and he put his bag on the ground, running up the stairs, trying to find his parents. “Mom, dad?! It’s important!” he called and he heard a response of “I’m in the bedroom!” From his father. Alexander rushed down the hall, trying his best not to slip. 

“Dad!” He whimpered as he threw himself at his father and wrapped his arms around him. “Thomas is in s-serious trouble.” he got out through breaths. “We have to help him, please, we-“

George shushed him and ran his hand through his son’s long dark hair. “Slow down, Alexander.” he gently ordered and Alexander took a few deep breaths and sat on the bed next to him, laying his head on his shoulder.

”Thomas’ dad has been beating up on him for a long time now and he doesn’t know how to get out of it.” Alexander explained slowly this time, trying his best to get every word out without crying. 

George’s jaw clenched and he tightened his fist up before looking at Alexander with anger. “Peter Jefferson?!” he questioned, standing up, the vein in his neck popping out at the thought of a parent hurting their kid. “And what about his mother? Jane? Where-“

”I think he hurts her too, but he doesn’t do it when she’s home. Only when she’s out.” He rushed to explain. He’d met Thomas’ mom, she was the sweetest lady on the planet and he wanted to clarify that before his father hated her too.

George hated Peter Jefferson for awhile, they had bad blood from a while back, when Peter was a senator. George was secretary of state, and he never got along with Peter. He was constantly fighting him, always arguing, and overall being a prick.

Now George has another reason to not like him.

“Your mother and I will talk about this and we’ll make a call to child services later, okay?” George assured and Alexander let out the breath he had been holding in.

_Thomas wouldn’t be hurt anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS GALS AND NON BINARY PALS! rehearsal for newsies has been killing me y’all oh my god i am EX FUCKING HAUSTED


	12. Hell Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander Hamilton and the terrible horrible no good very bad week.  
> \+ angst  
> [this chapter is all over the place]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a chapter in another story i wrote and i named it alexander hamilton and the terrible horrible no good very bad day  
> oh btw if you don’t know what hell week is in theater it’s basically the week of the show and usually it’s hell thats why LMFAO  
> also i wanna write a drarry story  
> or a jamilton hogwarts au  
> OHMYGOD IMAGINE A HAMILTON X HOGWARTS AU IM SCREAMINH IM WRITING IT NEXT HOKY FUCKKALALKAKSKSKA

Hell week was quickly approaching, and Alexander was  _exhausted._

Between finals, the musical, ap exams, and choir competition, Alexander didn’t know which one was giving him more anxiety. He was constantly at rehearsal, dancing his  _ass_ off. He hurt his leg twice, but just kept going even though it was  _hurting so bad._ After rehearsal, he’d go home and shower and turn off his phone and study  _all night long,_ and he would forget to eat because  _“pre calculus is trig on crack and I have to pass”,_ he would say. 

When hell week, otherwise known as show week, finally came, Alexander just wanted  _sleep._

_**Monday** _

The first day of the week was always the worst, obviously, but Alexander was having the worst Monday he’d ever had. He went to bed at such an ungodly hour of the night because his AP US history exam was the week after the show. He spent the night in tears because he couldn’t remember the amendments, even though he knew them by heart and could spit them at any second. 

Alexander woke up to Thomas calling his phone. He furrowed his eyebrows, not bothering to check the time first. He assumed it was still around 6.

”Thomas?” He grumbled out. “Why the fuck are you calling me at 6 am? We don’t have to leave until-“

”What? _”_ Thomas questioned. “Babe, it’s 8, are you coming today?”

”It’s eight  _in the morning?!”_ Alexander yelled.

”Yes-“

”I have to go. I’ll see you at lunch.”

Alexander shot up out of bed and hung up the phone, running to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. He ran his hand through his hair, feeling how gross and oily it was. He grimaced and finished brushing, then he brushed his hair and tied it up. He moisturized and then he rushed back to his bedroom and put his glasses on and took off the shirt he slept in, putting on his binder and a hoodie, leaving his sweats on. Alexander grabbed his phone and his bag, running down the stairs. 

“I’m never fucking late, why today?” he grumbled as he pulled on his sneakers and grabbed his keys, running out of the door. He unlocked his phone, opening up the uber app and getting an uber, because if he walked he would be even later than he already was. He huffed as he crossed his arms, feeling frustrated and anxious and he just wanted to get to school. Just when he thought his day couldn’t get any worse..

It began to rain.

_Hard._

Alexander groaned and threw his head back, trying to look around for his uber. When it arrived, he ran towards the car and got inside, asking the driver how their morning was and such before plugging his earbuds in and listening to some music. Alexander tapped his fingers against his thigh, hoping it wouldn’t take long to get there. 

When he got to his school, he thanked the driver and rushed to the school, swiping his student ID and running to his first period.

”Mr. Hamilton, you’re late.” his first period teacher deadpanned and he just rolled his eyes and grumbled “good morning.” before sitting down and taking his hoodie off. He shivered, feeling extremely cold because he was soaking wet from being outside. The rain water soaked through his hoodie, so now his tee shirt was wet and his hair was basically dripping.

During the next two periods, Alexander was in a horrible mood and just wanted to see his friends and be calm.

”Hey, Alex.” Peggy greeted when they arrived in choir, which was right before his lunch period. Alexander hummed a soft hello and he looked up at her. Peggy looked at him confused and ran her hand through his hair.

”Bad day?” she questioned and he nodded.

”Suckish.”

**_Tuesday_ **

Monday afternoon wasn’t bad until Alexander got hit in the face during his gym period and fell on the ground afterwards and banged his knee. He still made the choice to go to Thomas and John’s game, and ended up getting hit in the face again because he sat in the front. Thomas ended up leaving his game early because ‘he had to take his baby home’ , which earned him a lot of teasing from the team but they were happy for him, nonetheless. Thomas carried Alexander all the way home like a baby and kissed him at the door.

Alexander didn’t go to school that day, and he was frustrated for the entire day because he felt like he couldn’t do anything. Thomas came to pick him up for rehearsal on his motorcycle. Alexander was limping down the stairs because he hit his leg and he huffed when he met Thomas in front of his house.

”You okay?” Thomas chuckled and Alexander sent him a glare, which caused him to stop laughing. Thomas leaned down and kissed his lips softly. “Let’s go.” he picked Alexander up with ease, which made Alexander huff. 

“I’m in pain, not crippled.” he grumbled. “I’m still Alex, I’m not Crutchie.” Alexander joked as Thomas put him down on the bike.

”Hey Crutchie, what’s ya leg say, gonna rain?” Thomas said in an exaggerated New York accent, which made Alexander snort and definitely cheered him up 100%. 

Alexander put on his helmet and Thomas sat on the bike, putting his on as well. The pair headed to school and flashed their student IDs before going to the auditorium.

”Alex!” Eliza screamed and ran towards Alexander when he and Thomas walked into the auditorium. Alexander grinned at her and gave her a big hug and kissed her cheek and also hugged Angelica and Peggy.

They went and took a seat near the front row of the auditorium. They immediately immersed themselves in conversation, Alexander was sitting with his legs across Thomas’ lap and Peggy was on the ground. They were talking about other musicals such as Newsies and Be More Chill, when Mrs. Reynolds rushed in and was extremely frazzled.

”Where in the  _hell_ is everybody?!” she groaned and put her script on the stage, looking around. She began calling attendance, asking how everyone was.

”Alex, your leg, will it be okay for the show?” she questioned and he nodded quickly.

”I just have to rest.” he quickly explained and she nodded.

”Alexander is literally Crutchie and he even showed up for this rehearsal, where the hell is everyone else?” she muttered under her breath, but Thomas heard and he snorted. Alexander rolled his eyes and pinched Thomas, earning a quiet ‘ouch, Alex.’ 

“Does anybody know where our Kurt is? and Heather M?!” Mrs. Reynolds called, sounding stressed and extremely angry. “We need to run through so much, the show is Friday-“ she took a deep breath and rubbed her temples. “Oh god.”

Alexander got up, his leg hurting a bit from pulling it during rehearsal and then falling, but he ignored it. “Mrs. Reynolds,” he started and walked over to her, hopping up on the stage and sitting on the edge.

She turned her head and she gave him a smile, trying to hide her stress. Alexander senses this and he sighed, resting his elbow on his knee and putting his chin in his hand.

”Everything’s going to be fine, they’ll show up later and we’ll be able to run everything.” He reassured and she shook her head and rubbed her temples. 

“I’ve texted all of them and none of them will answer- Will somebody please call...” she began naming people who wasn’t there and it ended at a total of 10 people.

Alexander groaned and laid backwards on the stage. Why today? Why this week? They needed people this week. “How about we just run the solo numbers? The me inside of me, seventeen, lifeboa- wait Heather M isn’t here...” he trailed off and he face palmed. “Um, we can run freeze your brain, shine a light..” he trailed off. “There’s a lot of songs we can do with ten people.” he tried to be optimistic, flashing a grin at their director. He wanted her to not be stressed, because her being stressed made him stressed, which would result in Thomas, the sisters, and Aaron being in a bad mood because he was snappy.

But they didn’t run anything. 

Mrs. Reynolds decided it was better to not review with only half of the cast because they had to run the whole show, which put Alexander in a bad mood.

Three days until the show, and they were barely ready.

Alexander grumbled the entire way to Thomas’ bike, which caused Thomas to sigh and look down at him.

”Babe-“

”No!” Alexander cut him off and he furrowed his eyebrows. “We are the  _farthest_ from ready for this! I’m scared.” Alexander whined and he leaned forward and pushed his head against Thomas’ chest. Thomas sighed and he ran his hands through Alexander’s hair.

”I’m gonna take you home, and we can cuddle. My dad thinks I’ll be at school until 7. Okay?” He offered and Alexander nodded and looked up at Thomas with pouted lips. Thomas’ face softened and he cupped his cheeks and stroked them with his thumbs. “My pretty boy.” he leaned down and kissed the pout off of his lips. Alexander’s face flushed red and he pulled away and looked down. 

“You’re the best. Come on.” he said under his breath and Thomas nodded and took them both home. 

Of course Thomas knew how to fix his bad mood.

_**Thursday** _

Wednesday wasn’t as bad of a day as Alexander thought, so he had hope that the rest of the week would be okay.

He was wrong.

Thursday had to have been the  _worst_ of the days.

He woke up two hours before his alarm with horrible anxiety, his dysphoria was so bad. He was on the verge of tears from the moment he woke up, his hands shaking and his heart beating a mile a minute.

_Girlgirlgirlgirl_

He was reminded of the dip in his waist and the size of his chest and the curve of his hips. He wished they would just go away, why did things have to be this way? Why couldn’t he have just been a boy from when he was born? It wasn’t fair, it  _so wasn’t fair._

Alexander let Thomas pick him up that day, but he wasn’t letting him touch him anywhere and Thomas was starting to think he was angry at him. Alexander didn’t know how to explain to him without crying, so when they were on their ride to school he hoped Thomas just got the message that he wasn’t feeling great. Alexander felt his bundle of anxiety grow even bigger.

_People are going to see you tomorrow in a skirt and they’re going to make fun of you and call you a girl. They’re going to say you’re a girl, You’re such a girl. Everybody here thinks you’re a girl. Why couldn’t you be normal._

_Be normal._

For some reason, the old words his brother said rang through his ears.

He couldn’t stop, the thoughts wouldn’t stop. The thoughts, they-

“Alex. Alexander!” Thomas interrupted his thoughts with his hands on his cheeks, tilting Alexander’s face upwards.

Alexander shook himself out of his thoughts, seeing the worried look on Thomas’ face. Alexander just looked at him, not knowing what to say and Thomas sighed and he went to move his hands to Alexander’s waist to hug him, but Alexander shoved him away.

”Don’t-“

”Are you mad at me?” Thomas breathed out, the pitch of his voice getting higher at the end of his statement, signalling tears and Alexander’s face softened and he shook his head and took Thomas’ hands in his own, taking a deep breath to calm his tears.

”I-Dysphoria.. I don’t want you to touch me on.. my body.. today..” he explained, pausing between each word to keep from crying. His dysphoria was something that he knew would bother him during the show, but he didn’t know how to explain that to Mrs. Reynolds since she just thought he was a biological boy, she was probably the only person who thought so.

(Although, that was a lie. Alexander’s dysphoria also convinced him that everybody believed that he was a girl. However, that wasn’t true. He was just anxious.) 

Thomas pouted and he moved so his hands were around Alexander’s shoulders. He gently rubbed his arms and the back of his head and kissed his forehead. “I understand, you don’t need to explain.” Thomas spoke against his head. “Just remember that you’re my boyfriend, not my girlfriend, and you’re the cutest boy in the world. Okay?” Thomas mumbled and Alexander felt butterflies erupt in his stomach at the phrase, mostly because they never officially stated that they were together.

”Okay,” Alexander started and he looked up at him. “boyfriend.” he finished, liking the way it rolled off of his tongue. He grinned at Thomas and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “I like that.” he stated softly and the pair intertwined their hands before they headed into the school.

* * *

Alexander ended up getting picked on that day during his lunch period.

John Adams was back from his suspension, because a few weeks back he punched Thomas in the face on the same day he defended Alexander. 

“Lauren,” Adams started, clicking his tongue and leaning his arm against the wall, trapping Alexander against the wall. Alexander grimaced and rolled his eyes.

”That’s not my god damn name, now fuck off.” Alexander growled, his voice going deep from anger. John Adams leaned close to his face and Alexander turned his head, feeling fear in his stomach. 

“I’ll call you whatever the fuck I want to,  _little girl.”_

Alexander shoved him away, feeling tears in his eyes at the name.

The two words rang through his brain at an intense rate, he felt tears in his eyes.

_Little girl little girl little girl littlegirllittlegirllittlegirllittle-_

“Alexander what’s wrong?” A frazzled looking John Laurens rushed up to his best friend and Alexander immediately broke down into tears and shoved his face closer to his chest. Alexander whimpered as he grasped his shirt tightly.

”S-such a g-girl..” he trailed off and John escorted him to the bathroom, ignoring the questions of their friends. Thomas rushed after them, running into the bathroom to find his boyfriend in tears in John’s arms and John mumbling something to him.

Thomas’ breath hitched and he walked over to them slowly. John looked up at him and mumbled ‘John Adams’ and Thomad got the hint.

”Who hurt my boyfriend?” 

Alexander’s heart stopped at the sound of the word boyfriend and he looked up and then pulled away from John.

”I-I’m such a girl, I’m sorry..” he whispered and Thomas shook his head and pulled the smaller boy against his body, holding his head and his back.

”Alex, you’re not a girl.” John whispered softly and he reached to stroke his cheek. “You don’t look like a girl or sound like one, you’re a boy, you’re the most handsome boy.” John reassured and Thomas looked at John with a smile. 

“You are, honey. You’re the most handsome boy I’ve ever seen.” Thomas’ southern accent came out with his stress, but Alexander loved it.

”’m..” Alexander trailed off and he rubbed his eyes with his fists. “‘m a boy? Are you sure? Do I look like one?” Alexander questioned softly, his heart still beating fast and Thomas nodded and cupped his cheeks.

”You're my boy.” Thomas whispered and kissed his nose, trying his best to calm him.

John smiled at his friends, then he rubbed Alexander’s back softly.

”Now to take care of Adams.” John cracked his fingers and grinned and Alexander let out a soft laugh and shoved him.

They always made things better.

* * *

”What if things don’t go well tomorrow?”

Alexander was laying on top of Thomas on his couch, Thomas lied and said he had a game and he went over to Alexander’s for dinner.

”Baby, things will be fine tomorrow.” Thomas reassured and he rubbed Alexander’s back gently. Alexander propped his chin up on Thomas’ chest and he looked at him with a frown.

He was still stressing over wearing a skirt in front of everybody on Friday, how would everybody react? Would anybody make fun of him? The last thing he wanted was to be called a girl again. 

“Alexander.” Thomas mumbled.

A hand carded through his hair. A kiss was pressed on his cheek.

”I’m scared.” Alexander breathed out softly and Thomas sighed and pulled him down into a tight hug.

”I’m afraid that I’m going to mess up on my singing, or I’m going to have really bad anxiety up on the stage and I’m going to mess up and fall over - and oh god!” Alexander gasped and sat up on Thomas’ stomach. “I have to wear heels, Thomas! I can barely walk on a normal day, how am I going to  _dance_ wearing heels?!” Alexander ranted and he took in a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. “And what if somebody makes fun of me on Monday when we go back to school? I’m going to be dressed as a girl-“

”and you aren’t a girl, I hope you know-“

”Yes, Thomas, I’m aware that I’m not female, but nobody seems to understand that I hate being called a girl, and it hurts, Thomas!” Alexander finished and he looked at Thomas, his bottom lip trembling a bit. Thomas mumbled a soft ‘no.. baby’ and sat up to hold Alexander in his lap. Alexander buried his face in Thomas’ neck and he took a deep breath.

How was Thomas not afraid? Alexander noticed that he seemed to put on a strong front 24/7, despite all of the bullshit going on in his life. He at least had a reason to be afraid, Alexander felt himself invalidating his feelings. He couldn’t help it, not when his boyfriend was struggling with so much more. So much went through Alexander’s mind at once. Thomas needed support too. Alexander suddenly realized that. He knew, but now it was coming into perspective. 

Thomas had so much on his plate. 

“How do you do it?” Alexander whispered against his neck softly and Thomas furrowed his eyebrows and stroked his waist with his thumb.

Thomas cocked an eyebrow and he pressed a soft kiss to the side of Alexander’s face. “Do what, honey?” he asked in a confused voice. Alexander took a deep shaky breath and he grabbed Thomas’ hand in his own.

”Pretend.. pretend like everything’s okay..” Alexander’s voice cracked. “I’m here complaining about some stupid shit, and you have  _actual_ problems, Thomas!” Alexander exclaimed. “My problems are not nearly as horrible as yours, how are you so strong for me? For everybody?” he asked and he took Thomas’ cheeks in his hands.

Thomas gave Alexander a sad grin, putting his hand on top of Alexander’s own. Alexander felt a tear spill from his eye and he didn’t even bother to wipe it.

”I don’t want you to worry, baby.” Thomas whispered quietly. “I hate when you worry over me. Don’t think I don’t see you crying whenever you’re worried about me. And Alex, that’s like, once a week. I hate seeing you cry..” Thomas explained and Alexander wrapped his arms around Thomas’ neck. Alexander let even more tears spill from his eyes as Thomas shushed him, trying not to cry as well.

”I’m scared for you, you have so much to worry about, I’m so proud of you for not being afraid..” Alexander’s voice cracked as he cried into his neck. “You’re one of the biggest characters and you.. you’re carrying so many APs, college stuff, your dad.. and.. and so much..” Alexander trailed off and he pulled away to look at him. “And you’re not even scared for tomorrow? How?!” he exclaimed and he cupped Thomas’ cheeks again. “I’m fucking proud of you.” Alexander breathed out slowly and Thomas looked at him in the eyes.

”You are the most determined boy I have ever met and you’ve done so much for me and you go through so much and I don’t know how you’re  _not_ scared.” Alexander moved his hand to the back of Thomas’ head and gently tangled his hand in his hair.

”And  _I love you for that.”_

Alexander was looking deeply into Thomas’ eyes as he said that, and Thomas let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“Alex..” Thomas’ eyes softened and his lips twitched into a smile.

”I have nothing to be afraid of when I have you.” Thomas whispered softly and he moved his hands to his waist. Alexander grinned a bit and he gently tugged on Thomas’ hair and pulled him in closer. 

“You’re my safety. I don’t have to be scared.” Thomas whispered again and his lips brushed Alexander’s, causing a shiver to run down his spine.

”I love you, Alexander Hamilton.”

Their lips connected seamlessly and Alexander wrapped his legs around Thomas’ waist. Thomas moved his hands to his hips and slowly pulled away to gaze into Alexander’s eyes, lovingly. 

In that moment, Alexander realized something;

They were each other’s home. 

He realized that when Thomas was there, he felt complete and he felt cozy. He had this tightness in his chest, but not a bad one. The kind of tightness you feel when you see a cute puppy. He felt secure whenever Thomas had him in his arms.

He adored this boy.

He was going to make sure he was never afraid, not once in his life, ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so tired heyyyyy how r y’all? sorry this chapter took so extremely long. but i saw frozen on broadway today! it was amazing. also my knee hurts so bad bc i injured it awhile ago.. fun... and i have anxiety! more ,, fun ,, anyways ily guys


	13. Show Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aka: shit hits the fan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: abuse and a lot of violent words. mentions of child protective services and divorce.  
> a/n: sorry this took so long i’ve been so busy! this is my second to last chapter, and i have a super great hs teachers au planned for my next story!!!!! it’s a cross between “i got kicked out of my apartment complex so can i live with you” and “my ex works with me???” so yeah it’ll have a lot of feelies and maybe a smut scene? idk i suck at writing smut maybe i will tho

Thomas woke up  _nervous._ It was show day, and Thomas had never been so scared to perform. The thought of finally being able to show off what they’d been working on for months and months made him so happy, but equally as nervous. Thomas gulped as he then realized that his father would be in the crowd watching him kiss and touch Alexander on stage.

Frankly, he was more nervous for what would come  _after_ the show. Maybe the Washingtons would let him sleep over, so he didn’t have to be home. Or maybe he could stay with James or John, he didn’t know. Thomas rubbed his eyes and pulled himself out of bed, going to the bathroom to brush his teeth. The house felt oddly calm, it was sort of eerie to Thomas. His siblings were still asleep usually, but his parents were always up by now. He shook off the feeling and began to brush his teeth and wash his face. Thomas headed back to his bedroom and changed into a simple outfit, he wore blue jeans with a white tee shirt. He grabbed his phone off of the charger and checked his phone, texting people back.

**From booboo:**

**good morning babyyyyyyyy**

**wake up**

**lilr now**

**wait nvm it’s 4 am keep sleeping**

**dont ask me why i’m awake**

Thomas chuckled and rolled his eyes at his boyfriend, even though he wouldn’t see it.

**To booboo:**

**morning baby boy**

**im not gonna ask im gonna assume you woke up to study**

**From Johnnycake:**

**GOOD FUCKING LUCK TODAY**

**From Lizabear:**

**GOOD LUCK BABE PEGS ANGIE AND I LOVE U ALSO MUCH LOVE FROM PAPA SCHUYLER**

**From Jimmy James:**

**ik ur still kind of mad at me but good luck and i love u sm :/ <3**

**From Burrberry:**

**GOOD LUCK BOO BEAR UR GONNA DO GREAT**

Thomas grinned at the love he received from all of his friends and he shook his head. He had the most supportive friends in the world, he couldn’t wait until the day where they could just all be together whenever they wanted. 

Thomas slung his bag over his shoulder and headed downstairs. He slowly made his way into the kitchen, careful not to wake anybody. His brain felt clouded, the eerie feeling growing bigger as he walked through his house. He had a bad feeling.

He furrowed his eyebrows, seeing his mother sitting at their kitchen table with her head in her hands. His heart dropped suddenly at the sight of his mother looking so distressed.

“Ma?” Thomas gently called and he put his bag down next to the table, walking behind her and putting his hand on her back. “What’s wrong? You look upset..” he trailed off when she picked her head up and she gave him a weak smile. He sat down at the table and took her hands in his. His heart ached as he saw a tear fall down her cheek, he reached to wipe it off of her face. 

“Mama?”

”Why?” she questioned and she squeezed his hands gently. “Why didn’t you tell me he was beating you? Why would you hide that?” she asked, her voice breaking. Anxiety suddenly filled in his stomach, so many thoughts ran through his head.

_What did she see? What did she hear? What did dad do? Did he say something to her? Did he see the bruises on his arms? On his face? Had she seen the cuts?_

”I..” Thomas couldn’t get any words past his lips, he couldn’t seem to form any at the moment. How had she known? Was she upset? Was-

“I could’ve helped you, Thomas.” she cried softly and she held onto his hand tighter. “I’m sorry, why-“

”Mom.” he cut her off, his breath short. He examined her face, seeing a bruise forming on her cheek. “Mom what did he do to you?” He felt himself growing angry and she shook her head, making the anger bubble up even more. When had he hit her? How could he? How long had he been doing this?

”I’ve been putting up with him.. for so long..” she choked out. Thomas felt himself getting choked up, he tried to keep it in. He tried to be strong for his mom.  “He called you weak and disgusting last night, he told me that he hit you and I got angry and I smacked him.” she sobbed. “Nobody touches my  _god damn_ children. Nobody.” She spoke harshly through her sobs. “It wasn’t the first time he’s hit me, and I try so hard to hide it from you guys.” she explained and wiped her eyes, then reached to wipe the tears from Thomas’ eyes that he didn’t know he had. His brain filled with the images of bruises on her arms that she lied about, the cuts on her legs that she lied about.  _How much damage had he done? How long has he been hitting her?_

”I know that he hits you because you like boys.” she stated suddenly and Thomas went to speak but she stopped him. “I know you’re dating George’s son, and I’m very happy for you.” Thomas forgot that she knew George and Martha for a second. “I wish you would’ve came to me and told me that he was hurting you.” She whispered and he squeezed his eyes shut, holding her hands.

”I’m sorry mom.”

That was all he said before he broke into sobs. She pulled him into her chest and shushed him, smoothing his hair back. Thomas clutched onto his mom’s body, his body shaking with sobs as she held him tightly.

”We’re going to find a way out of this, we can do this.”

Little to their knowledge, Alexander was already helping out with a plan to get them out.

* * *

A little less than an hour later, Thomas’ mom was in the car with Thomas, driving to Alexander’s house to get him to take him to school. Thomas could drive, he was 17, but she insisted on driving him. Alexander got into the car with Thomas and his mother, awkwardly sitting with his hands in his lap after he introduced himself and she looked at Thomas through the mirror.

”I’m not going to murder you for kissing your boyfriend, Thomas, Jesus.” she joked and Thomas rolled his eyes at his mother before stretching over the seat to peck Alexander’s lips. Alexander kissed him back softly before opening his mouth to speak, but she stopped him.

”My husband and I are completely different people.” she explained for him and he nodded. “You can speak, you know.” she stated and gave him a smile. “I don’t bite.”

”Sorry, it’s just weird.” he laughed softly and Thomas squeezed his thigh gently. “Thomas met my parents and they love him, but Mr. Jefferson hates me, and-“

”Well, honey, I don’t hate you. Now come on,” she encouraged. “Tell me about yourself.”

Alexander turned his head and gave Thomas the biggest smile, but Thomas was already looking at him with a big smile.

* * *

“Alright. Everybody.” Mrs. Reynolds clapped her hands as she walked into the room that everybody was in, awaiting call time. Alexander was sitting between Thomas’ legs on the ground, his back against his chest. The sisters were laying on their bags. “Call time is at 4:45, so be backstage behind the curtains in your places by then, alright?” she reassures and everyone nods and grins. 

Alexander was holding Thomas’ arm as his hand grazed his stomach gently to calm his nerves. 

“What if I-“

”Nothing bad will happen, baby.” Thomas mumbled against his boyfriend’s shoulder, pressing a soft kiss to it. Alexander nodded and slowly turned his head a bit so that he could capture Thomas’ lips in a soft kiss.

”I love you.” Alexander mumbled. 

Thomas didn’t respond, he didn’t have to.

* * *

Alexander stepped out onto the stage, beginning the first song. Thomas listened from backstage, his heart beginning to melt that the sound of his boyfriend’s singing. He covered his mouth, trying not to giggle because he was wearing a mic that was on still. He took in a quiet breath, mentally preparing himself for going out on stage.

He didn’t know how to feel, didn’t know what to say. His boyfriend was absolutely killing it on stage and no words could describe how proud he was of him.

He clenched his shirt, closing his eyes and standing against the wall.

He hoped that everything would go just as well when he went on. Maybe today would be the day that his father finally left him alone for being gay, noticed the talent he had while on the stage and left him alone with his broadway dream. 

* * *

Thomas stepped out onto the stage for the ‘fight for me’ scene, and his heart was  _pounding._

“They have an open door policy for assholes, though.” Thomas stated, cool we a cucumber. The song began as he started to stage fight the guys playing Kurt and Ram. 

“Why when you see boys fight does it look so horrible yet, feel so right?” Alexander sang, tilting his head back dreamily and Thomas tried his best to not stare. 

The song went on as normal, and when Thomas had to face the crowd he caught a glimpse of his father looking extremely uncomfortable in the crowd. Thomas felt a surge of anxiety, but he ultimately decided to ignore it. His father wouldn’t do anything to him, not on this night. He knew it was important to him.

As the show progressed, Alexander and Thomas interacted so much more and had to kiss on stage (which Thomas was more than glad to do. He wanted to show Alexander off as much as he possibly could, and nothing’s better than making out with your significant other on a stage, right?) Thomas felt more and more anxiety as the show went on, he kept stealing glances at his father. His father was shaking his head at him and looking away constantly to avoid his eyes. Thomas felt his stomach drop, and he tried his best to ignore it. Why did his father have to act like this tonight of all nights? He wasn’t even doing anything directly, he was just being an asshole by just breathing.

* * *

When the show was over, the whole cast met back in the room they were in before to congratulate and hug each other. Alexander  _pounced_ on Thomas after the show, kissing him deeply and telling him how proud he was and Thomas just laughed and told him he was amazing.

”You wore a skirt on stage, baby, and you didn’t get anxious, and I’m so proud.” Thomas smiled and he dipped his boyfriend backwards to kiss his lips slowly and he heard some wolf whistles, but ignored them. In that moment, he couldn’t think of anything else besides how proud he wasn’t of his boyfriend, his friends, and himself. He pulled Alexander back up and pecked his lips one last time before hugging everybody.

Just then, it happened.

It was so fast, he wasn’t expecting it.

”Thomas Jefferson, what in the hell?!” 

Peter Jefferson’s voice came booming and Thomas’ heart began to pound. Mrs. Reynolds tried to hide Thomas, she tried to push him back. Thomas felt his heart race and he covered his body and stood as close to the wall as possible, trying to avoid being hit by his father.

”You invite me to this  _disgrace_ of a show, kiss a transgender on stage in front of me, and you go against everything I say?! You are disrespectful.” Peter’s voice boomed and Thomas couldn’t even hear anything through his own thoughts and the sound of his heart beating in his chest. 

“Oh would you fuck off!” Alexander snapped and he stood in front of Peter, giving him the harshest look possible. He tried his best to show his anger, tried his hardest to be angry. He wasn’t going to let him hurt Thomas _ever again._

Thomas on the other hand was horrified. So many things were rushing through his brain at once, he didn’t know what to focus on. Alexander slowly inches closer to Peter, raising up his hand to hit him. Mrs. Reynolds noticed and tried to pull him back, worried that he would get hurt, but he swatted her hand away and he shoved him backwards. She gave him a surprised look, which immediately faded into fear as she saw the expression Peter wore when Alexander spat his next words. “What kind of a father do you think you are? You’re hurting the boy you call yours, and you think that’s okay?”

Peter snarled and he have Alexander’s ear a tug. “You insufferable little girl.” he tutted. “Don’t tell me how to parent.” He have an evil laugh and he shoved Alexander backwards. Mrs. Reynolds grabbed Alexander gently and told him to get behind her. 

“You.” Peter growled, trying to push Mrs. Reynolds out of the way. He shoved, he pushed, he tried his hardest. Eventually, he slapped her and she fell on the ground.

Everybody stood silently in shock. 

Eliza was shivering in fear and Alexander was standing in front of Thomas, blocking him.

Thomas was sobbing at this point, shaking violently and begging Peter to not hit him even though he wasn’t near him. Alexander could hear him, but he couldn’t break. He had to protect him. He put on a strong front and clenched his fists.

”I won’t let you touch him.” Alexander whispered harshly up at Peter and Peter looked at his son.

”You,” he swallowed. “Are not my son.” he simply stated. Peter raised his hand to smack Thomas, but just then George, Martha, Jane, the police and child services all bursted through the door at the same time. 

 _Angelica or Aaron must have called my parents,_ Alexander thought.

Alexander’s heart calmed down and he sighed in relief. 

”Would anybody like to explain why this 17 year old boy is sobbing like someone tried to kill him?” George questioned angrily, raising an eyebrow at Peter and crossing his arms.

”Thomas, baby.” Jane breathed out as she rushed over to her son’s side. Thomas immediately clutched onto his mother and he sobbed against her as they sank to the ground.

”Peter Jefferson, there have been reports along with evidence of domestic abuse in your family, and it seems to be a lot more than just a small slap here and there.” The first policeman spoke up, clearing his throat. “Would everybody kindly clear out, please, besides Thomas, Alexander, Mr and Mrs Washington, Mr and Mrs Jefferson, and Maria Reynolds?”

Almost on cue, everybody stepped out of the room. The policemen grabbed Peter by his hands and the CPS workers walked over to where Thomas was. 

“We’re going to have to question you, ok-“

”Please, don’t take me from my mom.” Thomas got out through little gasps. He couldn’t bare to be away from her, not right now. She didn’t do anything wrong. “She never hurt me, I promise, I swear.” he sobbed and Alexander rushed over to his other side and put his hand on top of Thomas’ own.

”Baby, everything’s okay.” Alexander reassured.

”We won’t, but we need to make sure that everything is okay.”

”I’m planning on getting a divorce soon.” Jane stated softly and gave Thomas a little nod. “I can’t have somebody who is making my son bleed in my house.”

Thomas gripped onto Alexander’s hand, looking at him with a sad expression and Alexander just squeezed his hand back.

”We’re going to need to question everybody separately and together, but we can do that tomorrow.” One of the officers stated. She cleared her throat and turned towards Peter. “You will not be going back home tonight, you’re coming with us.” she stated calmly as they handcuffed him and Thomas felt relief in his chest. 

Alexander smiled at Thomas and he leaned over to kiss his face softly. “You’re sage now, baby, you’re gonna be okay.” he whispered quietly and Thomas shut his eyes and leaned into the touch.

Maybe everything would be okay after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a god damn mess it was so rushed i’m sorry


	14. Thomas is Safe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas is safe at last.  
> *this is basically a wrap up chapter*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thomas is safe at last brooooo

The weeks following the events that took place on show night were  _hell._ Thomas was constantly in and out of court, in and out of meetings with his lawyer, and he wasn’t allowed in school for a week after everything that happened. Since it was May, he was graduating soon as well. So, he had to prepare for his graduation, and prepare for everything else,  _and_ deal with the divorce.

Honestly, Thomas was happy about the divorce. But, since he was a minor still because he started school a year late and he wouldn’t be legal until he was a freshman in college, he couldn’t really speak for himself. He spoke to his lawyer, who testified for him.

Peter eventually got taken out of their home. Thomas had to explain to his little siblings that their father was a bad man and that he would hurt them too, and that he didn’t want them to, so their mother had to leave him. His youngest sibling was the most affected by it, but he was sure she would understand sooner or later.

As shocking as it seemed, James and Thomas made up and were speaking again. They didn’t want to ignore each other forever, especially because they were best friends since they were kids.

Thomas felt content at last. He had amazing best friends, a safe home (finally), a great boyfriend, and prom and graduation were coming up. 

Things really do fix themselves.

* * *

Finally, prom arrived. Thomas couldn’t have been happier, because he could finally bring his boyfriend around his family and call him  _Alexander_ and kiss and hold him. His mother cried while taking photos of him and Alexander, she felt so proud on the inside. And honestly, Thomas cried too. It seemed as if he would never be out of the situation he was in. Everything felt like the end of the world, and he felt like it would never stop. It felt unreal now that everything was over,  _but it was._

He was safe at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHORT CHAPTER, BUT THIS IS THE END!!! I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED THIS BC I LOVED WRITING IT! I LOVE U GUYSSSS SO MUCH

**Author's Note:**

> !!!! Hi thanks for reading ily


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